


Into the Fray

by Keopikwin



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 14:51:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keopikwin/pseuds/Keopikwin
Summary: Kylo Ren, for a reason unknown to even himself, decides to move to the light. The task proves to be difficult--reuniting with his mother, seeking a seemingly impossible redemption--especially when unwanted and unexpected feelings arise…





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was not written by me, but posted on behalf of my best friend who chooses not to be on social media. I do not claim this to be my story, nor do I own the rights, characters, names, ect of the Star Wars franchise. Please be kind and leave her some comments! I am hoping some positive feedback will help her drive. :3 This fic is finished and I will be posting the other chapters eventually.

    He awoke with a gasp, bolting upright, arms flailing. Vision swimming, the man dressed in black was completely disoriented. Panting, he whipped his head to the left, then right. 

    Where was he? Seconds ago he had been fighting a Praetorian guard as the red screen lining the walls had caught fire, filling the room with ash and embers. 

    Now he appeared to be in a forest. A thick canopy hung over head, completely obscuring any moonlight there might have been. His back itched, needles from some sort of flowering plant sticking to his shirt from where he had been laying.

    Was this some kind of Force-induced vision? It was really an inopportune moment if it was. And the girl--where was the girl? She had just been sliced on her upper arm a moment ago--

    It finally dawned on Kylo he had been dreaming. That fight had happened nearly a month ago now, and so much had happened since then. Fighting back annoyance, he clenched his right hand into a fist. 

    He  _ hated  _ dreaming. He couldn't remember the last time he had a happy dream. He would even settle for neutral dreams. But they always came to him as nightmares. Wiping sweat off his brow, he looked at the ground next to him and immediately felt relieved. 

    Rey was curled up next to him, sound asleep. In her sleep she had inched closer and closer, and he was embarrassed to find her dreaming away right up against him. Edging away carefully, he was happy to find his night terror hadn't woken her. 

_ Her name is Rey,  _ Kylo chided himself. It was going to be hard for him to not think of her as ‘the girl’. A small smile played on his lips. It would be even harder to not think of himself as Kylo Ren--she insisted on calling him Ben. 

_ What are you doing?  _ Asked the voice of self-doubt that had plagued him for as long as he could remember. 

    What  _ was  _ he doing? He had run away from The First Order and immediately to Rey. She hadn't trusted him at first--of course she hadn't. He wouldn't have trusted himself. It wasn't until he let down his mental walls, letting his true thoughts and emotions through, allowing them to wash over her in waves through the Force, did she trust him. 

    She had started crying and had hugged him. Her response confounded him; shouldn't she be happy? He had stiffened at her embrace, completely unused to such things. The happiness washing over his senses from her (even though she was crying?) and the hug confused him. People confused him; this was all new and weird, and in that moment he wanted to run away. But instead she held him tighter. 

    And now, as he watched her sleep, he smiled. He knew he had made the right choice. He had found in her a confidante he had never had with Snoke. He had found someone who was equally matched in the Force. 

    He had found peace. 

    The smile quickly deteriorated. 

_ Careful, Kylo,  _ he thought to himself.  _ Don't be complacent.  _

    It was true. Even now, as they slept and sought out the remaining fragments of The Resistance he had destroyed, he knew they were in danger. He had shut himself off completely from the Force, too afraid it might become like a beacon the First Order might use to track him. He couldn't go back; they would kill him on sight for his betrayal. 

_ And what would Hux say?  _

    The thought was so sudden he couldn't stop it before he made it. Agitation hit him, and he clenched his fist again. 

_ Who gives a damn what Hux would say?  _ Kylo thought to himself. 

    Yet even through that last thought, he felt...something. He couldn't pinpoint it. A sort of tightness in his chest. Fear? Anger? Apprehension? The more he explored it the more it confused him. It felt almost like… 

    Yearning? 

    A small laugh escaped his lips. Homesickness. It dawned on him he was feeling homesick. It was preposterous, but that's the only thing he could think of. He felt homesick over the First Order. 

    Besides him, Rey stirred, and then sat up. She narrowed her sleepy eyes and cocked her head to the side. For a long moment she just stared at him. 

    “Did I just hear you  _ laugh _ ?”

     “Yes.”

     Rey was shocked. “I… Didn't know you do that.”

     Kylo laughed again. “Neither did I.”

 

~

 

    “You want me to do what now?” Kylo got to his feet and immediately began to pace the confined space of the cargo hold. They had been on the ship most of the day, talking with each other sporadically. 

    “Ben,” Rey replied, also getting to her feet. She looked at him with worry. 

    “I… Can’t.”

    “Yes, you can,” Rey said, gently touching his arm. 

    A warmth traveled up his arm and entered his chest, spread outward. Even though the feeling calmed him he jerked back. “Don't do that. I told you that.”

    Rey recoiled. “I'm sorry… I still don't have full control over the Force.”

    Kylo took a step forward and lowered his voice, towering over her. “I told you. They might find someone who is Force Sensitive to search for me once they realize that I'm missing.”

    Rey recoiled further. He didn't need the Force to see he had accidentally scared her. “I know. I'm sorry Ben…”

    Kylo was jarred and stumbled back. He hadn't meant to scare her. A flicker of anger passed through him but he suppressed it. If this was going to work, he had to be less… Intimidating. And learn to keep his temper in check. 

    “Are you alright?” Rey asked. 

    Kylo sunk back into his seat, holding his head in his hands for a while. When he spoke, tears glistened in his eyes. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.” 

    Rey immediately knelt before him, resting a hand on his forearm. This time it was just a touch. She smiled encouragingly. “It's OK. I trust you. Really, I do. And I'm not going anywhere. And we'll do this together. Everything. I'll even be there when you meet your mother, if you'd like.”

    Kylo got to his feet again and paced. “I can't. She hates me.”

    “You're her son. She couldn't hate you.”

    Kylo spun around, now angry. “I killed her husband--or did you forget that?”

    Rey blinked. 

    “All I have ever been is a disappointment to both of them. They always feared me--they knew of my power and tried to ignore it. Tried to force me to become like Han--when I showed disinterest in piloting, I was a failure in his eyes.” He took a step towards Rey, balling his hands into fists. “My mother felt my power building, so she sent me away like a Loth-Cat that needed training; that ended well, didn't it?”

    Kylo had expected her to be scared again, but instead was looking up at him with wide eyes of sympathy. “I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's awful.”

    Kylo found his anger immediately disperse at the kind words. It startled him; he never before had been able to let it go so easily. His breath escaped him in a huge sigh, and he sunk once again into his seat. He leaned his head against the wall behind him and closed his eyes. He felt Rey sit next to him, and then tentatively put a hand on his knee. He paused before responding. 

    “Could you not?”

    Rey retracted her hand immediately. “Sorry.”

    Kylo opened his eyes and looked at her. “Isn't there some way I could just…Skip, seeing her?”

    Rey looked at him, eyebrows tight. A look of disbelief on her face. “Ben… She's your mother. Don't you want to see her?”

_ Not after the things I've done.  _

__ “I can help. If you're really that nervous, I can talk to her first, explain to her what's going on.” Rey's features softened. “I would do anything to see my mother, but I've resigned myself to the fact that that's never going to happen.”

    With that she got up, leaving Kylo to his thoughts. 

 

~

 

    Kylo pulled up the hood to his cloak. Truth be told, had Rey not been there with him, he wasn't sure if he would have the courage to do what they were doing. 

    The trip had been quick, only taking about a day. They had hired a transport, someone who wouldn't ask too many questions. They had both decided taking the Millennium Falcon was a bad idea--Chewie would have literally ripped Kylo limb from limb, not willing to listen to the fact he had turned over a new leaf. 

    Kylo, the ship lurching as it came in for the landing, sorely missed his helmet. He was paranoid someone would recognize him, even hidden beneath the robe he had purchased with a ridiculously large hood. Then again, few people knew what he actually looked like beneath his helmet; really it was only people in the First Order and the Resistance. 

    The ship landed and the door whined, opening. Kylo ducked his head, half expecting the Resistance to be standing there, blasters pointing at him. Rey sensed his tension, turning to him and smiling. “Relax.”

    Kylo did anything but relax. 

_ I’m walking into the hands of the enemy,  _ he thought,  _ and you want me to relax?  _

__ Kylo frowned. He needed to stop thinking like that. If everything went well… They weren't going to be the enemy anymore. They were going to be on his side. Or, he was going to be on their side. Something. He still hadn't quite worked out all the details in his head. 

    The tightness in his chest from two days ago returned. He longed to be on his ship, looking out at the expansive universe before him. He was relatively safe there. It was… Normalcy. He longed to see the familiar rooms, the Stormtroopers, the faces. Hell, at this point he'd even go so far as to say that he missed General Hux. 

    Taking a deep breath, he was relieved to see only the pilot waiting for them at the bottom of the ramp. He followed Rey's lead as she walked to him, paying him and thanking him. 

    As the ship took off, Kylo had to stop himself from gasping. He had never been to Bespin before, only hearing tales from his parents how beautiful Cloud City was. They always talked fondly about taking him on vacation… 

    Kylo scowled. That vacation had never happened. His parents had been too busy. 

    Rey led him with confidence through the gleaming winding halls. Kylo knew his mother was here. He was tempted to reach out with the Force, seek her out. But he was still afraid of the First Order. His time would come to see her; they hadn't alerted the Resistance to the fact that he had turned. It was a risky move, but the pair had decided it would have been equally risky to tell people about Kylo Ren’s arrival. While some people would welcome him, they knew others would never believe he was on their side and would like nothing more than to stab him while he slept. 

    Rey paused in front of a door. She looked at a few people walking by, and then peered up into Kylo’s hood. “Ready?”

    Kylo found he suddenly had a hard lump in his throat, so he nodded instead of speaking. 

    “I told General Leia to have a room prepared with an antechamber--so you can wait there until I'm done explaining everything.”

    Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Kylo nodded again. 

    Rey touched the door pad and it slid open. They walked forward. On either side of the room were plush cushioned seats. The ceiling had skydome windows, and the setting sun made the walls glow lavender. Kylo took off his hood, drinking in his surroundings. A potted plant had been set up, along with a large painting of a generic ocean. 

    He immediately took tally of all the conventional ways to leave the room, in addition to some less conventional ways. Whenever in a new surrounding, he always mentally mapped out escape routes. He knew on some level nothing was going to happen here, but he was finding old habits die hard. 

    “Wait here,” Rey told him. She looked… Happy. Excited. He felt a pain of jealousy; if only he felt that instead of the nervous knot of worry that had settled into his belly. She started to leave but then came back, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. “It'll be fine, Ben.”

    The wait was maddening. Kylo didn't know how much time had passed, only that it felt like a eternity. First he sat. Then he studied the painting. Then he paced a bit. Then he tried to figure out how much time had passed by looking at the sky, but he hadn't taken note of the exact position the sun had been when they entered the room, merely that it had been setting. Finally he sat down, contemplating going to sleep. 

    The interior door slid open. He jumped to his feet. Surprised by the severity of his anxiety, Kylo scoured Rey's face for a glimpse of how it had gone. 

    Rey smiled at him. “She'll see you. I'll be waiting right here when you're done.”

    Kylo found that for a moment, all he could do was blink down at Rey. Apprehension muddled his thoughts as he looked reluctantly at the door she had come out of. He swallowed, trying to make the knot that had come again go away. Giving a final glance at Rey, he strode to the door.

    He wasn't expecting her to be so old. Pain ripped through him immediately as she stood from the table she sat at. She looked dignified, just as he remembered, but the loss of her youth made him realize just how long it had been since he had last seen her with his own two eyes. 

    As the door slid shut behind him, the pain in his chest grew. He found it very difficult to breathe. Kylo stood awkwardly, unmoving, drinking in the image of his tiny mother. Had she always been that short? She had seemed larger than life, an intimidating presence. That spark was still in her, he found; just by looking at her he saw she was self-assured and cocky as ever. It was that very trait he knew his father had loved in her, but also what had torn them apart. 

    Kylo’s head spun when he realized her expression was guarded, blank even. He knew it was stupid, but he tore down the mental Force wall he had put up, reaching out to his mother. She flinched, just for an instant at the sudden wave of prying, but then relaxed. What he felt immediately from her was not what he expected, and he was completely unprepared for it. 

    Love. Understanding. Forgiveness. 

    Kylo collapsed in a heap on the ground, barely catching himself in time to save his face from smashing against the floor. All the years of pain, of conflict, of guilt; misunderstandings, anger, jealousy; the yearning to belong and to be loved; of missing his parents and the residual feelings of abandonment. Of all the horrible things he had done, the people he had killed. It all came crashing down on him and he openly sobbed. He had never cried so hard in his life, and it literally felt like his chest might rip open. 

    Leia went to him immediately. Crying also and struggling to lift her son up, she got him on his knees. He was a dead weight against her, crying and babbling unintelligibly. Not knowing what else to do, she closed her eyes and stroked his hair, what she had longed to do for so many years. 

    “I'm sorry,” were the only words Leia could make out for sure. He was saying them over and over, hiccuping them out, getting tears and snot all over her dignitary clothes. She could care less, hugging him harder as though he might turn evanescent at any moment and fly away from her. 

    “It's OK Ben. It's OK. You're home now.”


	2. 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading! We would love to hear from you! Will continue to post chapters through out the next week. Stay tuned for more!

It had taken Kylo--no, Ben--a full day of rest to get rid of the headache he had developed from all that crying. After he was spent, he tried desperately to explain things to his mother. She had shushed him, helping him to his feet and to the table. She wasn't interested in his searing pain and want for redemption just yet; she was curious what had changed, and why now. 

    He had sat, nose stuffy and head pounding, eyes feeling like sand, turning over his mother's question over and over. Finally he gave the lame, but truthful, response. He didn't know. 

    After that she had sent him to bed. When the pair exited the conference room, they found Rey curled up on one of the couches. She was fast asleep. They woke her up as Ben slipped his hood back up. Leia led them to the residential section where she had rented them a room. When the next morning came, he found his head was still pounding, begging Leia and Rey to let him be. They, thankfully, obliged. He had slept all day, thankfully dreamlessly. 

    Now the three of them sat, back in the conference room, eating a simple breakfast.

    “Are you feeling better Ben?” Leia asked, noticing he moved his food around his plate more than he actually ate anything. 

    Ben lifted his head, surprised she was talking to him. Everything was still so… Surreal. He looked at Rey, who smiled at him. To his surprise, the air here was relaxed and jovial. No hostility toward him whatsoever. 

    “Oh. Yes, thank you. I'm just not much of a breakfast eater…” He took a sip of water. “Or anything, for that matter.”

    “How's your head?” Rey asked. 

    “Fine.”

    Awkward silence. It was making Ben uncomfortable. He put his eating utensil down, looking across the table at his mother. “Cloud City? I never would have thought to look here for you. It's too, too…”

    Leia smirked. “Obvious? Have you ever heard of hiding in plain sight before?” 

    Despite himself, Ben flushed and looked down. Leia immediately reached across the table and patted his hand. “That wasn't a jab, Ben.” 

    “It's ingenious,” he replied, looking at her. “Dangerous, but ingenious.”

    “It was Rey's idea.”

    Now Rey flushed, ducking her head. “I just wanted a secure location for us to meet with the General, and with how steeped in history this planet is, I just figured no one would bother to look here for her. It'd be stupid for her to come back.”

    Ben rose his eyebrows. “Excellent plan.”

    The trademark mischievous look twinkled in Leia’s eyes. “Speaking of plans. With your absence yesterday, it left me with a bit of time to think. I have formulated a plan. Now, it won't be easy, but if we play our cards right it will be a huge boost for the Resistance.” 

    A silence fell over the room. Leia looked between the pair. Finally, Ben spoke. 

    “Go on.”

    “You need to go back to the First Order.”

    Ben had picked the wrong time to attempt to eat something. He almost choked, and Rey patted him on the back. He held up a finger, signaling her to stop, and downed the rest of his drink. Taking a deep breath, he looked at his mother. 

    “I thought I heard you say you wanted me to go back to the First Order.” 

    “Yes. Go to them and we will set up some sort of rendezvous. Or you can establish a secure link where you can feed us information--”

    With a loud bang from his chair tipping over, Ben got to his feet. Rey and Leia jumped. He stared down at them, hands clenching and unclenching. Without a word he pulled his hood up and swept out of the room. 

    For a moment, Rey and Leia looked at each other. 

    “Did he just leave?”

    Leia jumped to her feet, rushing after her son. She heard the door leading out of the antechamber open and close. 

     “Ben! Ben, wait!”

     When Leia opened the door, she looked back and forth. At the last second she saw a swarth of black turn a corner. She nearly called out to him, but instead raced down the hall. When Leia finally caught up she grabbed his arm. He ripped it away, continuing down the hall. She jogged after him, grabbing him again. 

    “Stop. Stop!”

    When he ripped his arm out of her grasp again, she grabbed onto the bottom of his robe. He spun around, eyes flashing in anger beneath the hood. 

    “Would you just  _ stop _ ?” She lowered her voice. “Ben. This isn't going to work if you keep running away from everything.”

    Ben opened his mouth, but after a moment slammed it shut. He turned once again, stalking down the hall. Leia looked about herself. Satisfied the hallway was clear, she grabbed her son and yanked him, hard. He wasn't expecting it, and he wasn't expecting her to be so strong. He stumbled, nearly fell, and let himself be dragged into a doorway. 

    “Listen here--”

    “No!” Ben snapped loudly, “ _ you  _ listen to  _ me _ !”

    Leia peeked around the corner, and then glared. “Fine. But at least keep your voice down.” 

    “I knew this was a bad idea!” he snapped, barely lowering his voice, speaking between clenched teeth. “The second you lay eyes on me your twisted little mind starts whirling and you come up with some scheme to use me as-as-as-your  _ pawn _ \--”

    Leia hugged Ben. She sighed, closing her eyes. “Ben. No. I am so sorry.”

   Ben shoved her off. “Would everyone just.  _ Stop _ .  _ Hugging me _ !?” 

    “Ben. I am sorry. I didn't mean to just jump right into business. I got excited--my brain got the best of me. I am happy that  _ you're  _ here. You.”

    Ben relaxed a little. 

    “ _ You.  _ My son. Not just some pawn that I'm going to sic on the First Order.”

    Ben looked down. Leia lifted his chin. “Ben. Do you know how long I've waited for you to come to me? Do you know how often I’ve dreamed about that? And now you're here, before me,  _ really here.” _

    Ben didn't mean to; his bottom lip trembled. 

    “I won't do anything to push you away ever again. I'm sorry, I'll reel back my enthusiasm.” She smiled. “Permission to hug you?”

    Ben sighed. “If you must.”

    Leia hugged him. After a moment, she looped her arm within his, leading him back down the hallway. “We can talk about anything you want. It's been a long time. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

    Once they returned to the room, the pair sat down. Rey looked between them. 

    “Sorry,” Ben said. “We can continue.” 

    Rey looked at Leia, who nodded. 

    “So what's the full plan?” Rey asked excitedly, literally sitting on the edge of her seat. 

    Leia looked at her son. “We can discuss that later. I think there might be other things Ben would like to discuss.”

    “No,” he replied evenly. When Leia didn't look convinced, he continued. “It can be discussed later. We should focus on the task at hand now.” He looked at his mother. “I'm not going anywhere so we will have plenty of time to catch up.”

    “Well, onto business then,” Leia replied. “My thoughts were that we could stay here for a few days preparing--anything beyond that and I simply wouldn't feel comfortable. This city is secure, I'm sure of it, but the longer I'm in one spot the longer I feel like a Tauntan that's waiting to freeze to death.” Leia produced a datapad from beneath her clothes. “Now, there are a select few that I would like to make aware of this plan should something go awry--”

    “No,” Ben replied immediately. “It's too risky. The less people who know the better.”

    “Ben,” Leia replied gently, “while I see where your paranoia comes from, it's always good to have a contingency plan. Should anything happen to myself, or to Rey--”

    The thought of losing either of them made it feel like Ben had taken a punch to the chest. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he cut her off again. “No. The only people who need to know that I am working for both sides are the three people in this room. I've known too many traitors, too many people who are willing to divulge sensitive information for the right price, or for the right… Luxuries.” Kylo wasn't going to get into the amount of bribes or outright threats he had used to obtain what he needed over the years. “Everything holds a price. Everything. I don't care how good a person is. Everything can be bought or taken.”

    Leia looked at Rey across the table, eyebrows raised. “Well that's a rather bleak outlook.”

    “Perhaps,” Ben replied seriously, “But it's also true, from my own personal experience.”

    Leia laughed. “If that's really how everything is, then what am I fighting for?”

    Ben paused. He knew it was a mirthful, even sarcastic question, but he found it valid. What was he doing? He still couldn't quite wrap his mind around the change within himself. He had seen the dregs of the universe--he had been the very cause of some of that in recent years. What was he hoping to accomplish by running off with Rey? A happily ever after? Redemption? His mother? Those were all selfish reasons for wanting to be good, and if there was one thing he had learned from trying to exterminate them, it was that the Resistance was anything  _ but  _ selfish. Quite frankly, they were the most hopelessly  _ selfless _ group of people he had ever come across. 

    “Ben,” Leia said, snapping her fingers across the table at him. He blinked. “We lost you there for a minute. Are you alright?”

    He shifted in his seat. He was anything but alright, and he wasn't sure if he ever would be alright. “Yes. Sorry. I was just thinking. So, is it agreed this plan doesn't leave this room?”

    Rey looked at Leia, and then shrugged. “I trust Ben. What do you think?” 

    Leia pursed her lips. “Well, I appear to be outnumbered, and I like to pretend that I run a democracy, so it doesn't really matter what I think, now does it?” She smiled to show she wasn't angry. “Ben--how long ago did you leave? And was it on good terms?”

    “I left a couple weeks ago to seek out Rey. And there weren't any ‘terms’ I left on.”

    Leia rose an eyebrow. “What, you just… Snuck off into the night, so to speak?”

    Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “More or less, yes.”

    Leia put her head in her palm. “That makes things a little more...difficult.” 

    “How so?”

    “Isn't someone going to ask questions? Where you've been, what you were doing?”

    Ben admittedly hadn't thought about that. But then again, it also had never been in his plan to go back once he left. He drummed a gloved hand against the table for a moment. “I don't foresee a problem. For better or worse, my temperament makes me… Unpredictable. I have a high enough rank where few people would dare ask me my whereabouts.”

_ Except for Hux,  _ he thought, a wave of irritation washing over him. 

    “And those few who would?”

_ I'll kill them,  _ he thought easily, but kept that to himself. Plus, as loathe as he was to admit it, he couldn't kill Hux. Anyone else… But Hux might prove useful to him. Especially given the turn of events. “I'll come up with something.”

    “Such as?”

     The headache was starting to come back. He bristled. Ben wasn't used to… So many questions. He was used to telling people things without question. 

_ That's when you were Kylo Ren _ , he reminded himself. Here, as Ben, he felt like a nobody. Leia out ranked him, not only in position within the Resistance, but in age, experience, and the fact she was his mother. 

    “You're not a nobody,” Rey said breathlessly, a far away look on her face. 

    Ben snapped his head to glare at her. Realizing what happened, Rey blinked profusely, blushed in humiliation, and ducked her head. Leia looked between the two of them but remained silent. 

     “Wait,” Rey said then, looking at Leia excitedly. “The Resistance has been looking for a good hiding spot, right? What if we gave Ben one of the useless reports, like data on a dead planet. That way he could input it in the First Order’s database and make it look like he was on a survey mission.”

    “That's not a half bad idea,” Leia replied, looking impressed. “However… I’m not sure how comfortable I feel about handing over information about places we've been, regardless how useless it was.”

    “Certainly there has to be a far off system you've considered,” Ben said, excited for Rey's plan. “Far away enough it wouldn't be anywhere near where the Resistance actually is, and also far away enough to account for the length of my absence?”

    Leia smiled. “To be honest I'm not sure, but I'll check the logs. I'm sure we can find something.” It was then she stood up and stretched. “I don't know about you two, but we can figure out the other details later. How about a break? We've made good progress so far.” She looked at Ben and beamed. “This is going better than I could have hoped for.”

     Ben swallowed away a lump in his throat. The look of admiration Leia was giving him was… Nothing he had expected. He had sought her approval for long, to receive a look like that almost reduced him to tears. He abruptly got to his feet, giving a slight bow. “Good idea.” Before anyone could notice he was on the verge of weeping, he hurried towards the door. 

    “Ben!”

    He stopped walking. Leia headed deeper into the room, leaving them. Ben turned, looking down at Rey. She stopped before him, looking at the ground, a guilty expression on her face. 

    “I'm sorry,” she said quietly. She looked up at him with her eyes, head still bowed. “I didn't mean to read your mind earlier.” 

     “How do you do it?”

     Rey lifted her head. “I don't… Mean to. I just hear you as though you're talking.”

    “Are my thoughts really that… Loud?”

    “To me they are.”

    “Hmm. Perhaps a residual byproduct of the link Snoke gave us?”

    “I'm…” Rey didn't finish her sentence. 

    “What?”

    “I'm not convinced Snoke is--was--behind that. I think he was just using that as a manipulation. We read each other when you interrogated me.”

    Ben flinched. Without thinking, he reached out, touching her arm briefly. “I'm sorry for that. Really.” 

    Rey smiled. “I know.”

    She left then, leaving him to his thoughts. 

 

~

 

    The night was surprisingly cool. A harsh wind generated from the height of the city swirled around them, causing Ben's robe to snap around him. It also made keeping his hood up difficult, and he was annoyed at how he had to repeatedly adjust it. He yearned for his tight fitting clothes but they were back on the ship. They were heavier, warmer. He had them custom made, not only to slim his figure out, but also to accommodate the fact he always felt cold. That's why he preferred gloves; it was as much a practicality as it helped with his general dark aesthetic. 

    “Just take off the hood Ben,” Leia said besides him, sounding slightly amused. 

    He looked down at her. “But--”

    “I've put up a security perimeter two clicks wide around this entire building, have had every building that has a viewpoint of this balcony checked thrice over, and have issued an order that if anyone or anything breaches those boundaries to shoot it--or them--immediately.”

    Ben raised his eyebrows, genuinely impressed by how thorough she had been. “Fair enough.”

    Ben took off the hood, his hair whipping around his face. Shaking it away, he looked at his mother. The same gentle look swept over the General's face, and she reached up, gently touching his cheek. “Oh, look how handsome you've grown.”

    Ben couldn't help it--he laughed. 

    “What?”

    “Handsome, mother?”

    “Your features are very unique and striking.”

    “Ugly is more like it…” He leaned against the balcony railing, more or less at eye level now with his mother. He clasped his hands together, staring out at the expansive city-sky. 

    Leia batted his arm playfully, and he looked at her surprised. She smiled ruefully. “I didn't bring you out here to listen to you insult yourself.” 

    Ben looked back at the clouds and stars that surrounded them. A brief silence fell between them. 

    “You wanted to talk,” Leia said finally. “So talk.”

    “About what?”

    “Anything. Everything.”

    “Why did you send me to Luke?”

    The accusation dripped from his voice. He hadn't even intended to say it. After all these years though, it was the one thing on the tip of his tongue.

    “Really? There's so much to discuss, and that's the first thing you want to talk about?”

    Ben turned his head to her. “Yes.”

    “Because it was what we thought would be  _ best  _ for you, Ben.”

    A bitter chuckle escaped his lips. “Best for me? Since when did either of you care about what was best for me?” 

    Leia looked genuinely hurt. She put her hand out to steady herself against the railing. “Ben. We've always cared about that.”

    “Really?” He stood to his full height, feeling the anger beginning to rise within himself. He turned to her, unable to stop himself from glaring. “That's not what it feels like. I felt like a discarded piece of garbage the both of you couldn't handle and couldn't be bothered with trying! Father was always out in his  _ stupid ship  _ running cargo, and when he was home he was pressuring me to do things I had zero interest in!” 

    Ben couldn't help it--he felt the Force rise up within him. He didn't want to hurt her--that was the last thing he wanted to do--so the wind picked up unintentionally, blowing his hair even more. 

    “And you!” He pointed a finger at her. “You were barely home, always away on some planet or another, trying to keep order in the universe. When you couldn't even keep order at home!” 

     Leia looked up at her son, eyes glistening. 

    “The only thing,” Ben said, his voice deepening in withheld emotions, “you ever gave me was a head full of broken promises.”

     When she said nothing, he continued. Opening his arms wide to the city, he spoke. “Do you remember this? Do you remember that vacation you always told me the three of us would take?”

     “Ben--”

     “No!” he shouted at her. “You do not get to speak yet! That dream, that hope of spending time with the both of you, here, died, when you sent me away. You didn't care about me. You cared about your job more! You cared about literally everyone else in the entire damn universe more than me!”

    Leia slapped him across the face, hard. For a moment he stood, too stunned to do anything. Slowly he turned back to her. Tears stood clearly in her eyes now, but she refused to let them fall, lips pursed into a thin white line. 

    “You never asked me what I wanted,” he said quietly. “ _ He  _ never asked me. I was always just an afterthought.”

    The last sentence was barely uttered, said as a heavy sigh. With it, the wind around him calmed, and then died all together. Fighting back tears of his own, Ben turned his back on his mother. 

    To his surprise, and slight annoyance, Leia came up behind him and hugged him. It was tentative at first, but then grew more assured. She clung to him, just like she had the other day, as though she feared he might disappear. He closed his eyes, letting the tears fall. 

    “Ben. I am so sorry. You were just a child. Why didn't you say something?”

    Ben turned to her. A tear fell down Leia’s cheek, seeing her son crying. “Because I was just a child. I tried to. You wouldn't listen. Nobody listened.” He looked down. “So I gave up.”

    Leia hugged him again, burying her face against his chest. After a moment, he tentatively wrapped his arms around her. 

_ So,  _ he thought.  _ This is hugging.  _

    He buried his face into her hair and cried. 

 

~

 

    “Do you have everything?” 

    Ben looked down at himself. He hadn't come with much. He was going to take a transport back to where he had left his TIE Silencer. Afterwards, he would simply wipe the mind of the pilot and send them on their way. 

    Ben touched his lightsaber and looked down at Rey. “I think so.”

    Rey nodded. “You'll be back soon.”

    The statement confused him. His brow knit. Of course he would be back soon--that was part of the plan. He would stay with the First Order for a while, make up some excuse as to why he had to leave again, meet Leia and Rey, feed them information, and then go back. From there they would leave obscure and untraceable information. So it wouldn't be tracked, they had decided on hand-written information. He had already told them everything he knew, which admittedly wasn't much. He felt slightly embarrassed, wishing he could have helped more. Hopefully there would be a enticing bit of information waiting for him upon his return. 

    As he looked at Rey, it dawned on him she was afraid he was going to leave--for good. He realized the statement had been more of a reassurance to herself than anything. The fact that she was worried about his return tugged at his heart. 

    “Rey,” he said softly. “I'll be back. I promise you. You will see me again.”

    Completely catching him off guard, Rey suddenly stood on her tiptoes, grabbed either side of his head, and kissed him. 

    For a moment he was too flabbergasted to really understand what was happening. Once he did, he shoved her off him, unable to stop the look of horror on his face. Rey's eyes turned into globes and she covered her mouth, looking equally horrified. She took a step back. 

    “Sorry,” she said, voice muffled. “Sorry. That was--that--”

    She turned and sprinted away from him. 

    “Rey! Rey--damn it!”

    Ben took off after her. She was annoyingly fast. As he ran his hood flew off, but he didn't care. Pumping his legs harder, he tried to catch up with her. “Rey! Would you stop! Rey--just  _ stop _ \--”

   Abruptly she stopped and he stopped as fast as he could, sliding on the floor, nearly crashing into her. He waved his arms in an attempt to not topple on top of her. She turned around, face the deepest red he had ever seen anyone's face get. He panted, looking down at her. She looked mortified. After a moment, Rey turned and calmly began to walk away. 

    “Rey!” he snapped, grabbing her arm and forcing her to face him. “ _ Stop _ . Please. We need to talk.”

    “Yeah. That was a mistake. Huge.”

    Ben sighed heavily. “Rey--I'm sorry. I just--I don't feel like that about you. And if I did something to give you that impression, I am deeply, truly sorry.”

    “It's OK Ben. I don't--I don't know why I did that--”

    Ben rubbed his face. “Damn it, Rey, yes, you do. And I know now. I just--I hope this won't make things… Weird, between us.”

    Rey forced a laugh, shaking her head. “Weird? Nah. No weirdness here…”

    Ben reached out to touch her but then thought better of it. Instead he let his arm fall to his side. “Rey. I need this--I  _ need you.  _ You're the only person that I've ever had this deep of a connection with. Without you I--” He paused. “I truthful wouldn't be here. I'd still be Kylo Ren, not Ben Solo.  _ Please _ Rey.”

    Rey nodded, smiling. He could tell it was forced. “It's fine. Really Ben. It's fine. I'll see you in a few weeks, yeah?”

    She stuck out her hand. Bewildered, he shook it. Completely dumbfounded, Ben watched Rey walk away until she turned a corner and disappeared.


	3. 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Here's a new chapter! I hope everyone is enjoying it. If you are liking it, please give us some kudos! Or better, a comment! Next chapter will be up in a few days!

As much as he had enjoyed being in his Silencer ship again, he also desperately needed restful sleep. He had piloted himself back to base for a few days, dozing here and there when he could. Truthfully, he had barely been able to sleep in Cloud City. Intrusive thoughts of worry and self doubt had kept him up. If his mother or Rey had noticed the dark circles that had developed under his eyes after the four days he was there, they hadn't said anything. 

    And now he slept, his ship on autopilot towards the only place he had considered home the past few years. It wasn't an ideal space for sleeping, having to sleep upright, but he needed it. And as always, his dreams were littered in nightmares. 

    He dreamed of the night Luke had betrayed him. In the four days he had been with Leia, he hadn't told her his side of things. He wasn't sure if she had heard it, or some variation of it. He knew how deeply she cared about her twin--how she believed he could do no wrong, like everyone else in this blasted universe. Truthfully he didn't want to tarnish that for her. 

    Besides, what did it matter now? He was dead. He had felt it, a huge ripple in the Force, a surge of Luke’s energy everywhere, and then nothing. Radio silence. Absolutely nothing. He was sure his mother knew, was sure Rey knew too. They both had to have felt it, so the past was now closed, stuck in time forever. 

    He whimpered delicately in his sleep, re-living when he slaughtered his peers. The people who followed him in his rage--those who would become his faithful Knights--fanned out around him. He headed towards a hut, spinning his lightsaber in a circle in his hand. 

    He paused. There was an incessant beeping. He looked towards the room he had collapsed on top of his uncle. In this dream, a dream he had often, he continued into the hut, killing its inhabitants. However, as he took a step, the beeping seemed to get louder. He looked again; R2-D2 was standing in front of where his master was buried under rubble, rocking back and forth, beeping incessantly.

   Ben was confused. This wasn't what happened. Annoyed, he lifted his hand up, ready to permanently silence the stupid droid with the Force. 

    Instead his eyes flew open. Startled he jumped, hitting his shin against the control panel, hard. He swore and lurched up, hitting the top of his head. Enraged, he held out his hand, ready to destroy something, anything, but stopped when he realized where he was. That annoying  _ beeping…  _

    Ben focused his attention to the outside. The  _ Finalizer  _ loomed before him. He quickly checked the time--he had been asleep for hours. The beeping was the  _ Finalizer  _ hailing him. 

    “Shit,” he said, and then flipped open the channel. “This is Be--” he forced himself into a coughing fit, hopefully covering his slip. “This is Kylo Ren of the First Order. “

    “Are you alright, Sir?” the concerned voice on the other end asked. “We can have a medic droid waiting for you in the hangar. We had been trying to comm you for a long time.”

_ Shit.  _ “No need. I was sleeping.”

    “You sleep?” came the surprised question, clearly before the person on the other end could catch themselves. “Er, excuse me Sir. I--I mean giving you clearance. Welcome back Sir.”

   Ben nearly laughed. Instead he flipped the comm switch down, focusing on landing his Silencer. 

    His ship hinges whined as the ramp extended. For a moment he stood at the top, drinking in the hangar. As much as he hated to admit it, he was happy to be back. Well, maybe happy was too strong. Relieved. 

    No longer fearing being tracked, he was open to the Force. Not using it for a few days had an unexpected side effect; he was overly sensitive. Everything around him buzzed, seemingly to be alive and overflowing with energy. Truthfully he felt a bit overwhelmed. Bunching his hands into fists, he struggled to remain grounded. It was too much; there was too much going on in his head. A panic started to creep up, making his chest tight, and he burst into a cold sweat. His surroundings seemed to be closing in on him, and his stomach began to do flips. 

    Power. Raw, undiluted energy. Was this what his parents had felt? Was this what Luke had feared? How had he ever been  _ used  _ to this? He had never fully cut himself off from it before--never in his entire life. His breath was starting to come out as a high pitched whine. It was too much--way too much--

    “KYLO REN!”

    Ben stopped walking. That voice. That annoying, grating, voice. Without even having to look, he knew exactly who was huffing towards him. Even so, Ben was secretly thankful; the annoyance helped ground him, made the panic lesson. 

    “Purposely ignoring me?” General Hux spat loathsomely, not even bothering to hide his contempt. “That's a new low, even for you.”

    Ben looked at him nonchalantly. “I didn't hear you.” 

    Hux didn't follow for a moment as Ben strode away. Then all in a rush, he fell in step with Ben. “ _ Didn't hear me? _ I've been saying your name since you walked down the ramp!”

_ Shit _ . Ben, even though he had only been called Ben again a handful of days, had gotten used to it. Between the Force-induced panic and that, he genuinely hadn't realized he was being called. He waved a dismissive hand, still trying to focus on not having a full-blown panic attack. “Why must you pester me?” 

    Hux opened his mouth, looking confused, but quickly slammed it shut. “Where have you been?”

    Anger bubbled inside Kylo.  _ Good,  _ he thought, focusing on the rage instead of how crappy he felt physically. He abruptly stopped walking, turning on Hux. The man flinched. He then looked at Kylo closely. “And why are you so  _ sweaty _ ? It's disgusting.”

    Kylo paused. What would he have normally done? Thrown him across the room. He didn't want to, but he felt it was almost expected of him. 

    For the briefest moment, Kylo caught a look flicker over the man's face, and it confounded him.  _ Worry _ . 

    Hux glanced around, and inched closer. He spoke in a low voice. “Are you… Alright?”

    Ben wiped his brow out of annoyance. Weighing his options, he didn't want to seem weak. But, conversely...He had held his theories about Hux being a germaphobe for awhile now. It might get the annoying man away. “I think I'm coming down with something.”

    Sure enough, Hux took an exaggerated step backwards. Kylo rolled his eyes. Then, he narrowed them. “And why do you think you are in a position to demand my whereabouts?”

    Hux, keeping his distance, stood straighter. “You might have declared yourself Supreme Leader, but  _ I  _ am still the General of  _ this ship.” _

__ Kylo smirked. “You can learn about my findings when I log them and you review the report,  _ General _ .”

    With that, Kylo rushed away, hoping to not puke until after he made it to his quarters. 

 

~

 

    Kylo stared at the datapad that had just been unceremoniously thrown on his table. He then looked up to find General Hux leering down at him. Suppressing a sigh, Kylo briefly ground his teeth together. The man before him looked so angry he thought he might actually burst a blood vessel. 

    Kylo rose his eyebrows. “Can I help you?”

    “What is that!?”

    Kylo, purposely taking his time, picked up the datapad, examining it closely. After a minute, he looked back up at Hux. The only thing Kylo had ever liked about his own appearances were his eyes; he made sure to widen them, making them as innocent as possible. “It appears to be your datapad. There's a crack in the corner now from when you--”

    Hux slammed his hands down on the table, bending over Kylo. “That's not what I meant and you know that!”

    Kylo picked it back up, glanced at the screen, and then tossed the datapad back down. “It appears to be my report.”

    “What is that shit?” Hux shrieked. When Kylo offered no explanation, he continued his ranting. “I wait five days-- _ five _ \--for some report on a useless, stupid hunk of rock all the way out in Wild Space!? You were gone for  _ weeks  _ and this pile of smoldering crap is all you have to show for it?”

    Kylo got to his feet, trying to look as menacing as he could. When he spoke, it was ice cold. “And what have you been up to, Armitage?”

    Kylo had purposely used his first name. Not General Hux, not even Hux as he was wont to do. It was wildly inappropriate and he had never done it before. It garnered the response Kylo had hoped for. The pale man somehow managed to turn even whiter, his eyes bulged, and his nostrils flared. Before he allowed the man to speak, Kylo continued in a soft, nonchalant voice. 

    “Oh wait, that's right. I read the data logs that corresponded with my absence. Which is why it took me five days to write mine, as you pointed out.” He paused. “Nothing. Besides sending scout fleets at seemingly random, you accomplished  _ nothing. _ ”

    Kylo abruptly grabbed the datapad. Extending his other hand, he made the door to his quarters fly open. Understanding what was about to happen, Hux ducked in barely enough time to avoid getting the corner of the datapad in his eye. Kylo relished the sound of the electronic device smashing into a million pieces against the wall just outside his door.

    “GET OUT!”       

    When Hux didn't budge, Kylo shoved him out with the Force. That taken care of, he sat back down. With a flick of his wrist, his door shut. 

    He allowed himself a smug smile. It felt a little good to be Kylo again. 

 

~

 

    The following day Kylo sat in his chamber, holding his head in his hands. He was beyond frustrated. Not only had scouring over the ships logs proved to be a fruitless effort, but he found himself missing his mother horribly. What was worse, he had completely lost contact with Rey. 

    As a headache clawed at the back of his eyes, he tried to tell himself that she hadn't cut him off on purpose. He reasoned she didn't have full functionality over her abilities yet. She even had admitted as much. It still bothered him to no end though that every time he reached out for her, there was nothing. 

    Their connection had become a place of solace for him. Even if they weren't communicating telepathically, sometimes he would just reach out to feel her presence. A reassurance that there was someone out there who understood him. But now? A huge void of nothing. 

    He knew why. He scowled, retracing his steps, retracing every interaction he had with her over and over. If he led her on, he hadn't meant to. He viewed her as a sister, or a very close friend. He had never once felt romantic feelings towards her--hell, he didn't  _ want  _ any romantic feelings towards  _ anyone  _ right now. He had enough on his plate. 

    His breath caught. What if she hated him? What if he had spoiled their relationship, and she genuinely wanted nothing to do with him if she couldn't have him  _ that  _ way? What if… 

    A lightning bolt of rage snapped in him, and he grabbed the closest thing next to him and hurled it across the room. He was so angry he didn't even know what he had thrown. After a moment, he caught his breath. He took a deep breath. And then another. Then another. Slowly, he closed his eyes. 

    Focusing on his breathing he relaxed, reaching out with the Force. It didn't matter where Rey was; he was honed in on her energy, like a blueprint that led him to her wherever she might be. It didn't always work, but the more time they had spent together the easier it had become. 

    Or at least it had been getting easier. Now, he felt nothing. He let the Force spill out of him, sweeping over vast distances. He easily could get lost in the feeling, and had more than once spent hours just  _ feeling,  _ exploring whatever the Force had to show him. 

   Instead he focused his energy on finding her. But he couldn't. 

    “Rey,” he whispered. He was comfortable saying her name; everyone knew he was looking for her. It wouldn't raise suspicion. “ _ Please.  _ Rey, answer me.”

    Nothing. 

    “I'm sorry.”

    Still nothing. 

    “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

    The murmur of space answered him back, but that was it. 

   “Please don't leave me alone.”

    Silence. 

    Kylo opened his eyes. It was time to destroy something. 

 

~

 

    On some level Kylo heard the door to the training room open. He was too focused on the floating balls that buzzed around him, shooting projectiles at him rapidly, to know or care who entered. Whoever it was stood just inside the door and didn't move any further. 

    He had set the droids to maximum capacity. After a bit of tinkering (and breaking at least a dozen in the process), he had figured out how to make their programing randomized. When he first started using them he had quickly memorized the pattern they followed. The problem had briefly been solved by simply adding more; even that quickly became too easy. 

    Now he had two dozen little orbs flying about, shooting randomly. He swung his lightsaber methodically, tapping into the Force to keep an eye on projectiles he couldn't see. Even that helped only marginally, buying him an extra few seconds per shot. Add two dozen shots…well, the Force didn't help that much. 

    He liked it that way though. He viewed the Force as a tool. A very valuable tool, but nonetheless nothing he wanted to use as a crutch. Training his physical abilities were just as important as flexing the Force. 

    “Kylo.”

    The distraction made him lose his concentration. The splashback was immediate, and a shot grazed his forearm. He cried out, flinching, as another one hit his backside. 

    Frustrated he held up his hand, every ball droid ceasing their firing and immediately falling lifeless to the ground. He screamed unintelligibly, whirling towards the door, and chucked his lightsaber straight at whoever stood there.

    General Hux shouted in surprise, ducked, and covered his head. The lightsaber hit the wall and then clattered to the ground. After fizzing angrily a moment, the weapon shut off. Half expecting a small but nonetheless heavy droid to be lobbed at his head next, he stayed cowering for a moment. When nothing happened, he peeked out from under his arm. 

    “WHAT?” Kylo demanded. 

    Hux stood, smoothing the front of his uniform. Kylo was in the middle of the room, panting, shirtless and slightly injured, glaring across at Hux. 

    Hux swallowed audibly. He then bent over, picking up the shut off weapon. He had never held it before and it was surprisingly heavy. The weight distribution was uneven, too. Not expecting these factors he nearly dropped it. Kylo sighed, closing his eye for a moment. When he felt Hux standing directly before him, he opened them. 

    Hux proffered the item to him. Kylo took it. He stared at it, then the General, then back down at the weapon. 

    “Sorry.”

    Hux certainly hadn't heard him correctly. He stood for a moment, blinking, the word slowly registering in his head. “ _ Excuse me?” _

__ Kylo lifted his head, looking at the man with sorrowful eyes without even meaning to. “I said sorry. For lobbing my saber at your head. It's just--I was mid training, and you distracted me, and then I got hit, and--”

    Hux interrupted him with a long, drawn out whistle. 

    Kylo blinked. “What?”

    “Wonders never cease. The great Kylo Ren,  _ apologized  _ for something?”

     Kylo froze. He had made a mistake. Possibly a fatal one. Hux was right; he never apologized to him ever, not for anything. 

    As Kylo stood, his mind whirling, convinced he had given himself up barely a week into being back, something happened. The sneer Hux had on his face slowly faded. Kylo’s breath hitched as the man took a step forward and peered into his face. That peculiar look from the other day came back. 

_ Worry _ . 

    “I'm going to ask you this once,” Hux said quietly. The tone in his voice caught Kylo by surprise; it had a soft edge to it, something Kylo had literally never heard before. “And only once. Are you alright?”

    Kylo had found he had stopped breathing, and he wasn't entirely sure why. He sucked in a sharp breath and blinked. “Yes. Why?”

    “You've been acting very peculiar since your arrival.” Hux looked him up and down. “And you were saying when you arrived you might be coming down with something--”

    Kylo was again surprised when the man reached out, touching his forehead to see if he was warm. He stumbled back, catching his foot on a droid, and nearly fell. 

    “Stop,” Kylo said, disliking how nervous his voice had become. He gained his composure, standing taller and speaking with affirmation. “I'm  _ fine. _ ”

    “I really think you need a trip to the infirmary.”

    Now it was Kylo’s turn to sneer. “You're right, Hux, wonders never do cease. Are you worried about me?”

    As soon as the words slipped out of his mouth, Kylo knew it had been the wrong thing to say. The man before him immediately flushed, his entire demeanor stiffening. He balled his hands into fists. Kylo wasn't sure why what he had said produced such a strong reaction, but it had. 

    “Get your blasted shirt on,” Hux snapped, “I'm sick of looking at your bare chest.” Hux whirled around, only to whirl right back. He pointed at Kylo, face still red. “I'm taking you to the infirmary whether you like it or not. I'll drag you if I have to.” Hux spun around again, tripped over a droid, kicked it, swore when he hurt his toe, and then spun back around. “And  _ no, Kylo,  _ I could give a Hutt’s arse if  _ you're  _ OK. This is a matter of being pragmatic; I can't have the most power asset in my entire fleet acting so strangely. If anything else your arm is bleeding all over the place.”

    A final time Hux spun around, stalking over to the door. Kylo watched him march away in wonder, slipping his discarded shirt back on. Hux nearly made it to the door without incident. When he tripped again he shouted unintelligibly. A string of swears exploded from the man and he kicked the droid, hard, this time with the inside of his foot. It went flying a few feet, landing again with a loud clatter. 

    “And pick up your damn mess!”

    Kylo watched the door open and close. For a moment he stood there awkwardly, not understanding what had just happened. Idly Kylo wondered what Hux had even come to talk to him about in the first place. 

    He concluded maybe he wasn't the only one who should get checked out at the infirmary. 


	4. 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. If you're loving it, please give it some kudos! <3

 Kylo set down his datapad, looking over the simple message he had sent General Hux. 

_ I’m fine.  _

__ Seconds later, the response had come back. 

_ Good.  _

__ Kylo then watched as his medical files were accessed with the tag AH. At that moment he couldn't help but smirk--it was so like Hux to either not believe him or to have to double-check. The man was thorough, Kylo had to give him that. 

    That small, simple exchange had happened a handful of days ago. The experience of going to the infirmary had been nerve-wracking. Kylo had been paranoid that, somehow, the medic droids would find out he had turned and he would be shoved out the nearest airlock. Of course that hadn't happened, but Kylo was a worrier. He always had been, thinking and obsessing over every possibly bad outcome. 

    But his exam came back clean. Which was why he had let General Hux know. It was an open and closed matter. 

    So then why did he sit, alone in his quarters now, days later, reading and re-reading the simple exchange? 

    Kylo was surprised when a tightness in his chest hit him. It was a familiar feeling, one he hadn't felt since being on Bespin. It was the feeling that he pinned as homesickness. 

    It didn't make any sense. He  _ was _ home. How could he possibly still feel it? 

    Idly he switched screens, pulling up the logs of conversations he and Hux had had over the years. Kylo smirked; the logs were largely one-sided, Hux sending him reports or questions which Kylo rarely bothered to respond to. There was an occasional message of annoyance, from both men.  _ Why do I bother?  _ Read one from Hux.  _ Do whatever you want; you're going to do it anyway, so why are you asking?  _ Came one from Kylo. 

    The tightness in his chest came back. Annoyed, Kylo gently tossed the data pad onto his table, removed his right glove, and rubbed his eyes. He didn't have anything scheduled to do today, so maybe he would just drink heavily to stop any dreaming and go to sleep. 

    This whim of a thought was interrupted by a blaring alarm. Startled, his head shot up. He knew that alarm anywhere. Jumping to his feet, Kylo rushed out of his room and headed to the main bridge. 

    “What happened?” Kylo asked a few minutes later when he arrived at the bridge. He took a stance next to Hux, looking out the window. Just then a X-Wing flew past, making a couple people flinch. 

    The pilot was crazy. He had come dangerously close to the window, giving them a thumbs up. The droid, B.B.8., sat in back, and even through the glass Kylo could hear it squeal electronically gleefully. 

    “That damn X-Wing came from nowhere,” Hux snapped. He turned to his crew, pointing out the window. “Don't just sit there! Scatter some ships and blast that stupid thing out of the sky!”

    Kylo internally panicked, his outward demeanor unchanged. If B.B.8. was in that ship, that probably meant the ace pilot of the Resistance hadn't died. If the Resistance lost him… 

    Kylo whirled around, barking out an order. “Get my ship ready for launch.”

    Hux, dumbfounded, turned as Kylo hurried off the bridge. “What are you doing? It's just one measly ship--”

    Kylo briefly looked over his shoulder. “Yes. And I'd like to personally get rid of this thorn in our side.”

    As soon as the bridge doors closed behind him Kylo broke into a sprint down the hallway, not caring who saw him. He couldn't let their ace pilot die. He just had to figure out how to protect him without making it obvious that's what he was doing. 

    Kylo tore out of the hangar, pushing his ship faster than he ever had. Unfortunately some ships had beat him out. In the distance he saw the X-Wing making wild maneuvers. Kylo watched for a moment, impressed; he shook his head. There would be time to admire fancy flying later. 

    Kylo punched his thigh.  _ What is he doing!? Is crazy coming out here alone!?  _

__ Kylo quickly flipped some switches, turning on his long-range scanners. He wanted to make sure that X-Wing really was alone, and he wasn't barreling head-first into a ambush. His screen showed nothing. 

    Just then his ship began to beep. He glanced down--he was pushing the machine far beyond its limits. Grinding his teeth he ignored it. Even though he was in the red, he had a few systems to go through before he had to worry about a complete breakdown. 

_ Damn it,  _ he thought, wishing he could fire on his own ships. He had to get between them and the X-Wing… 

    Another beep--this one just a proximity alarm. He was finally catching up. He pushed his ship faster, and a high pitched whining alarm sounded. Glancing down he swore--he had blown his temperature gage. The next thing to happen would be to start leaking coolant. He was so close… 

    Kylo fired his ship's weapons, punching it to an abrupt right. He then swerved left, spraying another volley towards the X-Wing. When he was done, he flipped on the switch that would allow him to communicate with the rest of the TIE fighters. 

    “This is Kylo Ren,” he said for anyone who hadn't seen him yet. “Follow my lead.”

     He had to make this look good, and like he was actually trying. Another, lower beep sounded. He glanced down; one of his auxiliary batteries had failed. He couldn't keep going this fast much longer. 

    Doing it out of annoyance as much as to make it seem like he was trying, he spun his ship end over end, sending out a fresh volley of blasts. The X-Wing maneuvered around them all. 

    A fresh beep rang in his ears. 

    He flipped off his comm links and swore. “What now!?” 

    He had sprung an oil leak. He was thankful it was that and not coolant. If he could just get  _ ahead  _ of the X-Wing… 

    Biting his bottom lip until it bled, Kylo pushed the accelerator even further. His engine made an audible whine. It was now a matter of physics; the parts physically couldn't move as quickly as he wanted them to. Even so, he was flying past every TIE fighter. 

    It finally happened; all the systems began beeping. Coolant had began spewing from its reservoir. He had an idea, but he wasn't sure if he was even capable of pulling it off. He had to try  _ something  _ though, least his ship explode. Kylo focused all of his Force power on his ship. He scanned it, feeling with his proverbial fingers, and held everything together by sheer will. 

    “What are you doing!?”

    It was Hux. He had patched in directly. 

    “Are you insane!? Your ship can't take much more--”

    Kylo flew over the top of the X-Wing. Time suddenly seemed to go in slow motion. He saw the pilot look up at him as he passed over in utter surprise. Kylo released the gas; he turned his ship over, slamming on the breaks, coming to a sudden stop that sent him lurching forward. He saw panic in the pilots--Poe was his name?--face, his lips parting. In a nanosecond, Kylo took his Force focus from his ship and threw everything out towards Poe. 

_ MOVE! NOW!  _

__ Kylo held down the fire button. The X-Wing lurched right abruptly, one of Kylo’s shots grazing the wing. Kylo took a sharp intake of air, and held his breath a moment. The ship righted easily, and then in a flash made the jump to hyper speed. 

    Kylo relaxed, letting his breath out slowly. Good. Excellent. He had hit the ship, making the ruse realistic. Furthermore, Poe had heard his Force-scream. He wasn't entirely sure it would work, but it had made Poe move in time. 

    “Follow that ship!” Hux’s voice came over, now to the whole fleet. 

    Kylo flipped open his comm. “Belay that order. All fleets shall return to the ship immediately.”

   “ _ Excuse me!?  _ Don't listen to him, you will pursue the--”

    “Everybody return to the ship!” Kylo screamed, spittle flying everywhere. “That is a direct order from the Supreme Leader! Anyone who disobeys that order will suffer the consequences!”

    Instead of turning off the comm link, Kylo punched it repeatedly. He didn't care--his Silencer was going to need a lot of work anyway. 

    As Kylo slowly made his way to the ship, holding his TIE’s vital systems together with the Force as best he could, he growled. He was livid.  _ That man  _ was  _ infuriating.  _

  
  


_ ~ _

 

    As expected, Hux was waiting for Kylo as he got off his ship. The mechanics crew was also waiting, and as soon as he got off the ramp they rushed in his ship. The Silencer was spewing various liquids all over the floor, and the hangar was filled with electronic beeping. The scent of burnt rubber and chemicals filled the air, leaving a strong caustic smell. 

    Hux strode directly up to Kylo. “Are you insane!?” he roared. 

    Kylo was ready. “DO NOT EVER QUESTION ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE FLEET. EVER!”

    Hux stood his ground. “IT WAS JUST ONE BLASTED SHIP--”

    “EXACTLY! WHY WASTE OUR RESOURCES AND TIME FOR ONE MEASLY SHIP!?”

    The hangar had become uncomfortably silent. Everyone stood awkwardly, watching the scene play out, unsure what to do. 

    Hux pointed towards the hanger door. When he screamed, spit covered Kylo’s face. “THAT WAS THEIR BEST PILOT! THEY'RE ALREADY SUFFERING--THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE FINAL BLOW!”

    Kylo was legitimately angry. With a loud crunching sound, one of the support beams further down the hangar slowly began to invisibly fold in on itself. It was either the beam or Hux. 

    “NOT TO MENTION HE COULD HAVE LEAD US BACK TO THE REST OF THE RESISTANCE--”

    That was it. Kylo grabbed Hux by the shirt collar, throwing him easily to the ground. Kylo’s chest screamed in objection, sore where his harness had caught him when he had flipped his ship over Poe. He simply fed off the pain to fuel his anger. Kylo straddled Hux’s back before the General could get up, forcing his face to the floor with one gloved hand. 

    He didn't want to do this with the Force. He wanted to physically feel Hux writhe beneath him. 

    “Oh,” Kylo said. His voice was suddenly very calm and quiet. A few people scurried back, terrified. “Oh. I see. He would have led us to the fleet.” Kylo looked up at everyone. The support beam lurched, nearly collapsing completely. He nodded. “You're right… He would have led us--”

    Hux cried out as Kylo smashed his face further down, bent over, and screamed directly into Hux’s ear. 

    “DO YOU REALLY THINK THE RESISTANCE WOULD BE STUPID ENOUGH FOR THAT?!”

    Everyone scurried back, the beam snapping in half and collapsing. 

    “DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT HUX!? OR DO YOU THINK PERHAPS MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED AND HAD LAID A TRAP!?”

    Hux sniveled. 

    “ANSWER ME!”

    “You're right.”

    “LOUDER.”

    “YOU'RE RIGHT!”

    Kylo stood. He gave a deadly look at everyone. No one moved. 

    “I don't know how you ever became a General.”

    Glowering, Kylo stalked out of the room, his black cape billowing behind him.


	5. 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a few days late in posting this. Sorry, been a busy weekend/early week. Hope everyone is enjoying this so far! Please continue to leave kudos and we'd love some comments on your thoughts! It would make our day, I promise! We want to hear from you. Well enjoy this next chapter!!

“Rey.”

    Kylo barely recognized his own voice. It had been three days since Poe had made his appearance. It had also been three days since Kylo had left his quarters. 

    He sat on his couch, hands digging in the soft black cushions. He was trying to relax but it proved impossible. He hadn't realized he had been badly injured by his impressive--but stupid--maneuver to get in front of Poe's ship. Abruptly stopping had caused him to lurch forward; his x-shaped harness had caught him, which had saved him from flying through the window. But it had also injured his chest. 

    He didn't know how bad it was but knew it had to be somewhat serious. First was the fact that his entire torso was one huge, dark bruise. It had taken him an hour to get his shirt off that first day. He figured he had broken a rib--he had done that before in training. While it was painful, it eventually healed. He had left his shirt off, cringing at the thought of trying to get it back on. 

    However, when the second day had come and he could barely get out of bed, he started thinking he had  _ multiple  _ broken ribs. Once again, painful, but he'd live. He spent the day trying to reach Rey, ready to scream at her and demand what they were thinking sending Poe directly into the  _ Finalizer.  _ It was also a good distraction from the pain. 

__ On the third day he found it difficult to breath. His right side was much worse than the left. He had resigned himself to the fact that he needed actual medical attention--that was, if he could stumble to where the comm switch was across the room. He was actually starting to feel afraid. Kylo was making a final attempt to reach Rey before he called emergency services. 

    “Rey,” he croaked out. “This is  _ important. Business related. Please--” _

__ His concentration was interrupted by the entry button of his door beeping. His eyes snapped open, bulging immediately. 

    “WHAT!?”

    Screaming had been the worst decision he had ever made. Pain like he had never felt tore through him, and he found he couldn't even gasp for breath. His vision swam as he clutched the cushion even harder. He would not pass out. He  _ would not lose consciousness _ \--

    “By the God's, Kylo!”

_ Wonderful,  _ was the last thing Kylo thought before he passed out, Hux rushing into the room. 

 

~

 

    Kylo awoke with a start. The flinching sent ripples of pain shooting through his torso. He moaned. Moaning didn't help either, so he settled for just clenching his hands into fists and trying to breathe away the pain. His breath came out in a slow, quiet hiss. 

    “You're awake.”

    Kylo looked over. To his surprise, General Hux stood before him. 

    “What are you--”

    Kylo couldn't finish. A painful coughing fit that left him gasping for breath struck. Hux indifferently motioned to a medic droid. It rolled over, injected something into Kylo’s arm, and then wheeled back to the corner. After a few minutes the pain lessened and he was able to catch his breath. He promptly glared up at Hux. 

   “You must love seeing me in this state.”

    Hux rolled his eyes. He clasped his hands behind his back. “To be honest with you, no, I don't. And besides, is that how you should talk to the person who saved your life?”

    Kylo was genuinely surprised both sentences and his eyes widened. 

    “Your stupid sunt fractured a dozen of your ribs, outright  _ broke  _ eight, one of which had scratched your right lung--probably when you threw me to the ground. When you screamed at me in your quarters yesterday it must have punctured your lung. Or at least that's what I'm assuming, because according to the medics your lung started filling up with blood. There's no way you would have been able to walk around like that for long, much less  _ three days.” _

__ Kylo was absolutely dumbfounded. “Yesterday?”

    “Yes. You woke up as they were trying to fix you up. You tried to  _ leave.”  _ Hux smirked. “Granted you didn't get much farther than sliding off this med-bed. But it was still scary.”

    Kylo blinked. “Scary?”

    Hux flushed. He coughed into his fist briefly. “You got up  _ during surgery,  _ you stupid brute. They had to knock you out. With drugs. You've been out since.” His voice softened a little. “Yes. I don't think there's another applicable word besides ‘scary’.”

    Kylo was absolutely astounded. “I don't… I don't remember that.”

    Hux bent slightly at the waist, staring at his own feet. “Well. Now you're up to date. If you don't need anything else, there's no reason for my presence any longer.”

    Kylo shook his head, still trying to wrap his mind around everything. Hux gave Kylo a final look and then headed towards the door. 

    “Wait!”

    Hux stopped at the door and turned back to Kylo. Gritting his teeth, Kylo propped himself up on an elbow. Hux narrowed his eyes. 

    “You shouldn't do that…”

    Kylo ignored him. “What did you need? Yesterday, when you came to my quarters?”

    Hux paused. “I was going to tell you sorry. For what happened in the hangar. I was wrong.”

    Hux was gone a second later. 

 

~

 

    Kylo stood leaning against the wall, staring at the log in sheer disbelief. He forced his expression to remain neutral should anyone see him. 

    He had stayed in the infirmary for a handful of days. They wanted him to stay longer--modern medicine could do a lot, but a body still had to  _ heal itself _ \--but he had refused. He was still extremely sore, trying to walk as normally as possible. If anyone noticed his slightly hunched posture, or the fact he sat on the bridge instead of stood, they didn't say anything. 

    Kylo had pulled up the ships logs for the days he was missing once he got back to his quarters. He was hoping for something he could give his mother upon his return. He paused though when he came across General Hux’s entries. 

    There was a day he didn't input anything. Almost an exact 24 hour period, in fact. Kylo was surprised; even when Hux had come down with the Kamino Flu, he still worked from the infirmary. Curious, Kylo had checked the date and time for the gap. He quickly did the math and realized it was the time frame that coincided with his collapse, getting surgery, and being unconscious for a day. 

    Kylo had been sure it was merely a coincidence. But this fact had nagged at the back of his mind for days, coming to the forefront of his thoughts at random. Finally he pulled up other logs from that day to see what had happened. It was another mundane day. Kylo still didn't understand why Hux had done  _ nothing.  _ He scoured the logs--the man hadn't even so much as sent a message to anyone. 

    A tightness formed in his chest, but it had little to do with his injuries. He had rushed (as fast as he could, which was more or less a normal walk) to the infirmary. And now that's where he stood, staring at the log in utter disbelief. 

    He had pulled up the personal log for the infirmary itself, something he couldn't access on his pad. He had to physically be at the terminal. Every employee, no matter their rank, had tracking chips sewn into all of their clothing. The ship tracked and logged where everyone was at all times, with time stamps. It also logged when the person left certain areas or rooms. 

    Two things stuck out to Kylo. According to the log, he hadn't even been  _ in _ the infirmary, much less for an extended stay. The other fact was that Hux had entered the infirmary and hadn't left for a day. 

_ He stayed until I woke up?  _

__ The tightness came back. It was the same feeling he had pegged as homesickness. But now, as he stared at the log and his mind began to whirl, he realized that he had pegged the feeling as the wrong thing. A panic began to creep up; he fought it off, not wanting to cause a scene, and also because breathing hard was still pretty painful. 

_ He waited for me to wake up. He literally did nothing until he was sure I was OK. He is one of the only people on the ship who has the authority to go in and alter time logs--he had to have been the one to hide the fact I was here, seriously injured.  _

__ His eyes widened.  _ But then why didn't he also wipe the log showing  _ he  _ was here with me? Unless…  _

    “He wanted me to find out,” Kylo whispered to himself. 

    The tightness came again. He closed his eyes, muddling through the feeling. Yes, there was a physical tightness, but there was also other things. Excitement. Giddiness. Nervousness. 

    Happiness. 

    Kylo’s eyes snapped open. 

_ You only feel this way lately when you think of him…  _

__ Kylo punched the panel, easily breaking it. That had hurt. He slumped against the wall, taking in a deep, shuddering breath. 

    One of the only human infirmary staff members stood up at her desk, looking at him in worry. A medic droid whipped around the corner. Upon seeing the sparking and broken screen, the droid looked at it, then Kylo, and then the broken screen again. 

    “Sir,” the female medic called out from across the room tentatively. “Is everything alright?”

    Kylo looked at her. 

_ No. Everything is  _ wrong. 

    “Fine.”

   Kylo stalked away.


	6. 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the slow burn is finally coming to a head! We hope you guys like this chapter! Please let us know with some kudos and comments! We want to hear from you!!

It was almost time for Kylo to meet up with his mother and Rey. Sadly he had next to nothing to show for his time back on the  _ Finalizer.  _ Furthermore, he still hadn't been able to get in contact with Rey. Healing also had been slow-going; in desperation he had finally gone back to the infirmary, demanding to know why he was so weak still. They told him it hadn't been that long since his encounter with the Resistance and Rey had left him with a blaster wound (that also had required surgery, since he had kept opening the wound as he had fought with Rey) and several lightsaber wounds. Essentially, it was a lot for his body to recover from in a relatively short amount of time. 

    “You are only human after all, Sir,” the medic droid had told him.

    Reminding Kylo of his own mortality at that moment had been the wrong choice the heap of circuits had algorithmed out. The infirmary was down a droid, it's remnants scattered around the infirmary. 

    The last thing bothering Kylo--really the  _ main  _ thing (although he felt his priorities were screwed up)--were his newly discovered feelings towards Hux. He had spent days trying to reason himself out of them. He had decided he wasn't ready for romantic feelings towards anyone since Rey had kissed him. He  _ hated  _ Hux. They didn't get along, never had since literally the day they had met. 

    Yet his brain kept spewing counter-arguments at him. Who did he spend most his time with? Hux. Who did he go to when he needed help with something? Hux. Who was probably the most competent man on the ship, besides himself? As much as he hated to admit it, Hux. 

_ Who saved your life? Who stayed with you and covered your tracks as you bled out into your own lung?  _

__ He counter-argued his counter arguments. Who did he regularly take out his frustration on? Hux. Who had he made a punching bag out of more than anyone else on the ship? Hux. 

_ But all that is done and over with now…  _

_     Right. Just like it was done and over with when you threw him to the ground and smashed his face against the floor. You were supposedly good then, too.  _

_     The anger and darkness inside of me isn't a switch; I can't just flip it on and off. It's going to take  _ time _ \--a work in progress!  _

_     And what then? He's going to run to you with open arms? Wake up Kylo, he's still loyal to the First Order. You're not. It's never going to work, get your head out of your ass!  _

    It was then he had destroyed his table with his lightsaber. 

    Days later, he couldn't sleep. Kylo tossed and turned for a bit, finally resigning himself to the fact that sleep was going to elude him this night. What made it even worse was the one thing keeping him up was the one thing he didn't have an answer to. He hated not having answers. 

    Kylo dressed himself and moved out into the hallway. Any time he couldn't sleep he had always stayed in his room. This was his first venture through the  _ Finalizer  _ in the dead of night and it was eerily empty. A skeleton crew was up. It appeared to consist mainly of stormtroopers. For the first time Kylo was able to hear the ships massive engine, a low hum that followed wherever he went. 

    It followed him all the way to General Hux’s closed door. Looking around himself to make sure no one was around, Kylo pressed the entry button. No answer. Looking around again, he pressed it a second time. Still nothing. Annoyed now, Kylo pressed and held the button. 

    Finally the door slid open. Hux flinched at the dimmed light that came in from the hallway. He blinked several times, and then squinted at Kylo. He was wearing black silk pajama pants and nothing else. 

    “ _ What? _ ”

    “I have a question for you.”

    “Do you have any idea what time it is? Couldn't it wait until morning?”

    Kylo ignored the question, pushing past Hux and entering his quarters. The General rolled his eyes. “Do come in Kylo… “

    Hux turned on a light, flinching. Kylo looked about himself. It was nearly an identical room to his own, but mirrored. Also the interior decorating was different, much more sparse; Hux had picked everything out, just as Kylo had when he was given a room on the  _ Finalizer.  _ A large work desk with a matching chair sat in front of the bay window that overlooked the expansiveness of space. It was situated across from the door so Hux would be able to see who was entering his quarters. The desk held various data pads and some papers. To the left of this was a huge bookshelf; Kylo was stunned to see it filled with actual books. The uppermost shelf had sliding glass doors, a modification which had turned it into a liquor cabinet. Hux walked over and grabbed a bottle along with a glass tumbler. He then strode to the desk, poured himself a drink, and set down the ornate bottle. 

    Kylo rose an eyebrow. 

    Hux scowled. “Don't look at me with your judgment. I'm the type of person who once awoken can't get back to sleep.” He paused and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Plus I'm sure whatever brought you here is a doozy, so.” He rose his glass before taking a sip. “Cheers.”

    “Why did you stay with me?”

    Hux paused. “Huh?”

    Kylo took a few steps forward, coming to stand in front of the desk. “When I was injured--why did you stay with me? And why did you make it look like I had never been in the infirmary?”

    Before he answered, Hux moved around the desk. He put down his drink with a sigh, standing behind the chair. The General stared across at Kylo evenly. 

    “Because I know you like people to fear you. You don't like showing physical weakness--I didn't want the entire blasted crew to know your psychotic flying had nearly  _ killed _ you.” Hux paused to take another drink. He then set the glass back down, looking at it instead of Kylo. “That was impressive flying, by the way.”

    Kylo blinked. The tightness in his chest had returned and his breath hitched. Hux had literally never paid him a compliment. Swallowing hard, Kylo spoke. “But why did you stay with me? And why didn't you erase the fact you had stayed with me?”

    Hux drummed his fingers on the back of the chair, not speaking for a moment before he clearly lied. “It slipped my mind to do so.”

    Before he was fully cognizant of his actions Kylo stepped forward, reached across the desk, cupped Hux’s face in his hands and kissed him. He had expected the other man to push him away. Slap him. Maybe even punch him. Instead the kiss was welcomed and deepened. Kylo rose a leg, trying to climb up on the desk. He accidentally knocked Hux’s drink over, it falling on the ground and breaking. 

    “ _ Careful _ ,” Hux whined in between kisses. “That's  _ expensive… _ Oh screw it.”

    To Kylo’s surprise Hux swept his arm along the desk, knocking everything that had been on it to the floor. The glass alcohol bottle shattered, sounding unnaturally loud against the quiet of the night. Ignoring it, Hux continued to kiss Kylo. The General dragged the other man onto the desk and gently pushed on his shoulder, making him lay down. Straddling him then, Hux began to fervently pulled at his clothes. Kylo was pleasantly surprised by this, allowing Hux to do what he wanted.

    First the gloves came off, haphazardly tossed over Hux’s shoulder. He pausing long enough to take Kylo’s hand and suck on one of his fingers. Kylo was immediately aroused, imagining how that would feel below his waist. Once his shirt was off Hux covered Kylo’s still-bruised chest in kisses, licks, and a few surprise bites. When Kylo half sat up, protesting the nips, Hux shoved him back down before sliding onto the ground. 

    “Oh shut your mouth,” Hux chided, looking up at the other man, “I barely bit you. You've suffered worse.”

    Hux unbuckled Kylo’s pants, pulling them off with his boots, and threw them to the side. He then went to work. 

    Kylo was stunned, his mind whirling in disbelief. His thoughts didn't last long however, quickly and completely lost in what Hux was doing to him. He closed his eyes. Embarrassingly he was already close to finishing. Lost in the feeling Kylo writhed  against Hux’s mouth. Kylo entangled his fingers in his lovers red hair, urging him down farther. 

_ Ben.  _

__ It was Rey. Kylo’s eyes snapped open and he moaned. 

    “No… Not  _ now.”  _

__ Hux picked his head up, startled. “Beg your pardon?”

   “No--not you, you're fine.”

_ Ben. Is everything alright?  _

__ But the damage had already been done. Kylo caught a look of embarrassment as Hux lurched to his feet, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He quickly walked away and disappeared around the corner that led to his bedroom. Kylo covered his face and moaned again, this time in frustration. 

_ Oh--are you--did I interrupt--  _

__ Kylo laid with his eyes closed, mortified, trying to figure out how to make things right. He could hear Hux moving around in the other room, opening drawers and slamming them shut. After a few moments he barreled out of his bedroom, fully dressed. 

    Kylo sat up and outstretched his arm while Hux hurried past without so much as a glance. “Wait. Wait. Wait wait wait wait--”

    Hux ignored him completely, walking to the door and leaving. Audibly growling, Kylo slid off the desk and picked up his shirt. 

_ REALLY REY!? I've been trying to get a hold of you for  _ weeks  _ and NOW, in the middle of the night, you decide it would be a good time to contact me!?  _

_     Well,  _ came the embarrassed reply.  _ This is awkward.  _

__ “Yes it is,” he snapped out loud, angrily putting his pants back on. Gingerly he bent over, grabbing his boots and slid them on. 

_ I'll just. Uh. I'll… Wait for you to contact me. When you're not busy. I mean when you're free. I mean-- _

_     Excellent idea Rey. Good night!  _

__ Kylo stormed over to the datapad that was embedded in the wall. He pressed his thumb to the screen and it sprang to life. 

    “Show me General Hux,” he said. 

    A map of the ship pulled up. It zoomed in on one area, a small red dot winding through the halls. It looked like it was heading towards the hangar bay. Kylo pressed his thumb to the pad again, shutting it off, slipped on his gloves, and then hurried out of the room. 

    He took a different, longer route. With so few people awake now he didn't want to risk having the same person see Hux and him going in the same direction. After seemingly forever he made it. The huge double-doors slid open and then closed behind him. 

    It was empty. There wasn't a reason for anyone to be in here. He walked forward, passing the demolished support beam and the scaffolding that had been erected to temporarily take its place. 

    “Hux?”

    No answer. 

    “General Hux?”

    Still nothing. 

    “Armitage?”

    Sighing, Kylo cheated--closing his eyes, he reached out with the Force. It took only seconds to find him, hiding in the mechanics warehouse. Kylo strode over. 

    Hux was leaning against a workstation, arms crossed. He threw a glare at Kylo. “You found me.”

    “I'm sorry.”

    To Kylo’s surprise, Hux sighed and rubbed his face. “I'm such a fool. I thought--I thought that's what you wanted--”

    Kylo hurried forward, his brows knitting. “No--I mean, yes--I mean. I was fine with what was happening.”

    Hux looked confused. 

    “What I said had nothing to do with you.”

    Hux looked even more confused. 

    “I--uh. How to explain this. Force users get what are called Force Visions--it's exactly what it sounds like.”

    Hux now looked intrigued. “Go on.”

    “The only problem is that they come out of nowhere, and the Force user has no control over when they come.” Kylo swallowed down his lie. “And I had one right when you--you know. Which is why I said what I did. And I'm really sorry.”

    Hux rose an eyebrow, turning to Kylo. He took a step forward. “Is that so?”

    Kylo gulped again and nodded. 

    Hux took another step towards him. “And you swear to me you were OK with my advance?”

    Kylo nodded again, becoming aroused. 

    Hux stood directly in front of Kylo, tugging at his belt. “Well then. Why don't we finish what we started?” 

 

    A while later, as they laid on the cold floor, entwined around each other, it dawned on Kylo what had just happened. Startled, he looked down at the other man. Hux, looking sleepy, met his look. “What?”

    “What… Did we just do?”

    Hux rolled his eyes. “Well, I'm pretty sure we just had sex… “

    Kylo sat up. He looked down at Hux. “But I  _ hate  _ you.”

    “Well, I hate you too.”

    Kylo shifted. “No. I mean, I  _ really hate you. _ ” He paused. “What does this make us?”

    “Well,” Hux said with a slight groan as he sat up. The floor hadn't been exactly comfortable, but neither had noticed until now. “I'd say we're friends with benefits, but I think we just established we hate each other, so…”

    Kylo shot him a withering look. 

   “Hey,” Hux said with a gentleness that surprised Kylo. He rested his hand on Kylo’s forearm. “Don't make this more complicated than it already is. Why must we label it? Relax, enjoy it.” Smiling--a look totally foreign on him--Hux stood and grabbed his pants off the floor. “Besides. This happened in a professional setting.” He put on his pants, buttoning them. “I don't want this--” he pointed between the two of them, “to interfere with that.”

    “But--”

    “Hey.” Hux leaned over, giving him a tender kiss. “No buts.”

    As Hux got dressed, Kylo mulled it over. He did have a point. He really didn't want to make anything interfere with his job. 

    And as he watched Hux a minute later, fully dressed and leaving, Kylo only hoped his brain would let him leave the sex as that--just sex. 

 

~

 

    “Enter.”

    A couple days had passed. It had been business as usual. Kylo had found it extremely difficult to think of anything but that night in the hangar, and all the things Hux had done to him, and all the things he was going to do to Hux when the opportunity arose. 

    However, now was strictly business. He had hammered out the details with Rey and he was ready to meet back up with them. 

    “Oh,” Hux said, looking up from the datapads that were sprawled all over his desk, sounding mildly annoyed. “It's you.”

    “I'd like to take a leave of absence.”

    Hux rose an eyebrow. 

    “Another scouting expedition.”

    Hux rolled his eyes. 

    Kylo clenched his hand into a fist. “I can't just sit here doing  _ nothing!  _ They're out there--somewhere--and--”

    “Oh calm down. I don't care if you go.” Hux looked back down at his work. “Just try to bring me back something more useful this time instead of a two-page report on a hunk of rock.”

   Kylo smirked and then left.


	7. 7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done! Hope people are enjoying it. Please let us know with some kudos or comments! Thank you for reading!

Kylo ran down the ramp of his ship. Rey grinned, his mother standing next to her. He ran straight into Leia’s arms, nearly knocking her over and giving her a big hug. Leia regained her footing with the help of her son and laughed. 

    “Ben! What's all this?”

     Ben took a step back, looking embarrassed. “Sorry. I just missed you.” 

    He then turned to Rey, who was still beaming at him. After a moment's hesitation he hugged her too (just not as enthusiastically). 

    “I missed you too.”

   When they were done embracing, Rey smiled up at him. “I think we all missed each other. Well, except maybe General Leia and I. We've seen each other pretty regularly.”

    Ben smirked. He couldn't help it. Rey was  _ cute,  _ but not in a romantic way to him. She just had this exuberant innocence about her, this awkward purity. It was unlike anything Kylo had ever encountered. It was calming to him.

    “What have you been up to?” Rey asked as the trio began walking into the cover of the forest. They had decided to meet on a deserted planet, half covered in lush rainforest, the other half a barren desert. They were on the outskirts of where the two conflicting climates met. This planet had an imbalance in it’s magnetic fields which made tracking electronic signals difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. This stay was not going to be as long, but the planet was once again far away enough that Kylo could use it as a report when he returned. 

    Ben turned to Rey.  _ Trying not to fantasize about Hux.  _ “I've been working mostly.”

    Rey blinked at him but said nothing. 

    “Yes,” Leia interjected excitedly. “Do you have anything for me?”

     Ben didn't want to disappoint her, but he had to. “Honestly… No.”

    She looked crestfallen. 

    “I do have a matter to discuss though,” Ben continued, trying to not sound irritable. “What in the blasted universe was that X-Wing pilot--what's his name, Poe? What was he doing suddenly appearing?”

    Leia looked amused. “Oh, that? Did you like that?”

    Ben couldn't help but bristle, thinking on how sore he was still, and how his chest had turned an ugly shade of yellow with some patches that were still dark blue and purple. “Actually, I didn't. I nearly killed myself trying to protect him from not being shot out of the sky.” He hoped they took this an an exaggeration. 

    “It was just a bit of psychological warfare. Just a drop in--hi, hello, we're still here.”

    “That's the entire problem. You  _ are  _ still there, but we have no idea where, which is why I showed up empty-handed.”

    At those words, something abruptly dawned on Ben. He stopped walking. The pair stopped and turned to him. Ben looked between them, his expression going dark. 

    “What?” Leia asked. 

    Rey, without meaning to, felt a whisper of the dark side snap out of Ben. “Ben?”

    When he spoke, his voice was flat. “Why haven’t you disclosed to me the location of the remaining Resistance?”

    Rey looked guiltily at the General. Ben could tell she had tried to hide the look but failed. This merely fueled his anger.

    “It's sensitive material.”

    “Ah, I see,” Ben said, his voice still flat and matter-of-fact. “So you want me to work for you, but you still don't trust me. Yes, I see.”

    Before either of them could respond, Ben turned and ran off into the forest.

    “Ben!” Leia said exasperatedly. “Ben--oh, not this again.”

    When she started to go after him, Rey grabbed her arm gently. Leia looked at her in surprise. 

    “Let him go,” Rey said, looking at the spot where Ben had ran into the thick forest. She then looked at Leia, nodding. “Just let him go. He'll be fine. Just give him a little time.”

 

~

 

    A little while later Rey slowly approached Ben. His back was to her. He sat on a sand dune, plants poking out of it, the remnants of the forest behind them. Before them outstretched a vast desert. 

    The sun was setting, this planet’s moon already large and within full view. Rey was breath taken by the stark contrast of where they were. It was almost as though someone had drawn a line, severing the planet in half. 

    Rey stood besides Ben. She looked down at him. He didn't move, hadn't even bothered to acknowledge her presence. “Mind if I sit?”

    When Ben said nothing, she sat anyway. Rey yelped, shaking her hand. A small twig had dug into her palm. Alarmed, Ben looked at her. 

    “Are you alright?”

    “Yeah,” she said annoyed, squinting at her hand while squeezing out a small droplet of blood. “A stupid stick poked me.”

    “Here,” Ben said, slipping off his gloves and setting them besides himself. Taking her injured hand in his own cold, clammy hands, he closed his eyes. He took some of his internal warmth, sending it down his arms and through his fingertips. It didn't heal the wound but it made it feel better. Doing this also had the added benefit of warming his hands. When he released her he didn't need to put his gloves back on.  

    “What did you do?” Rey asked breathlessly. 

    Ben shrugged. “Just… Tried to take some of your pain away.”

    “Well it worked. Thank you.”

    After a moment of silence, both staring into the desert, she playfully bumped her shoulder into his. He looked at her and she grinned. “So… General Hux, eh?” 

     He paled. “Excuse me? What about him?”

    “I know,” Rey replied. When he looked mortified, she rushed on. “I'm sorry, entirely not my fault! You did that thing again where you think too loudly!”

    Ben felt himself turn red. “Damn it, Rey.”

    To further his embarrassment, Rey squealed and covered her mouth in laughter. “I'm sorry! Like I said, it's not like I  _ meant  _ to. Was that who I interrupted you with?”

    “Rey!” Ben snapped, probably turning as dark as she had when she had kissed him. “That's not--that's none of your business!” Desperate to change the subject, Ben was happy for the segway. “What was with that, anyway?” His voice softened, unable to hide his sadness. “Were you…Purposely ignoring me? Shutting me out?”

    She hesitated. “Yes. And I'm sorry.” She put her hand on top of his. “I just… I was embarrassed. And I needed to figure things out, in my head.”

    “I thought…” Ben said quietly, but didn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to, Rey figuring out how he felt. 

    “That I didn't want to be your friend anymore? I'm sorry.” She smiled. “But hey! Finding out about you and General Hux actually makes it a lot easier for me. You being with someone--you're unavailable. It's a complete non-issue now.”

    Ben started, nearly falling over. “I'm not-- _ with someone.  _ We just--well.”

    Rey giggled. “Literally sleeping with the enemy, huh?”

   “Yeah,” he replied honestly. “It might prove useful…”

    “Ben.”

    He looked at her. 

    Rey inched closer. “Please don't be upset with your mother. It's not that she doesn't trust you, it's a matter of security.”

    Ben tisked, staring back out at the expansive sand. “Same difference.”

    “It's not though. Ben. If she didn't trust you, you wouldn't  _ be here.  _ As much as she loves you, why do you think she never went after you after all these years? It wasn't because she didn't want to, it was just… Complicated. And she knew it would only make the situation worse for everyone involved instead of better.”

    Ben clenched his hand. “Because, once again, she cared about the well-being of others before me.”

    Rey frowned. “Look. I don't know the intricacies of your relationship with your parents. I mean, if you ever want to divulge anything that's one thing. But Ben.” She put her hand on top of his again and he looked at her, tears in his eyes. “She  _ loves you.  _ I'm not saying what she and Han did was right, and I'm not bypassing the suffering they clearly inflicted on you. But in my heart, and my head, I know it wasn't intentional.”

    Rey removed her hand. “Try to be… More sympathetic to your mother's causes.”

    Ben snorted. 

    “I'm serious! Try to see it from her perspective. She was a Princess--and she was a damn good one, one that actually  _ cared  _ about her people. So there's that responsibility. Then the war broke out, and she felt so strongly about it she inserted herself because she thought she could stop people's suffering. And then there was a brief period of peace, and she and Han had you…”

    “Fine,” Ben replied, barely keeping his tears from falling. “But where did I fit in any of this? Oh, that's right, I didn't.”  _ Just an afterthought…  _

    “Ben.  _ Stop thinking that _ ! I've heard you think that before, back when we were on Bespin.” She sighed. “Look. I'm not saying anyone expects you to change overnight. But try to have a little empathy. If anything else it'll help you move further to the light side.” 

    Ben bit his lip. 

    Tentatively, Rey put her hand back on his. “Ben,” she said to him gently, her own voice becoming wrought with emotion. “If you were really just an afterthought, your parents would have done to you what mine did to me.  _ But they didn't _ .”

    Ben’s breath hitched. He had never thought of it before like that. She had a point. 

    As a tear fell, Rey intertwined her fingers within his, leaning her head on his shoulder. The two sat until the sun set completely, not speaking, simply being there for each other.


	8. 8.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! 2 more chapters after this! We hope you are all loving this! Please leave kudos and comments! We want to hear from you!!

Kylo walked off the TIE fighter (not  _ his _ \--they were still waiting on parts, so it sat pathetically in the corner of the hangar, unused). 

    General Hux was waiting for him. Admittedly Kylo was excited to see him. But there was a part of him that didn't want to be pestered immediately upon arrival. Kylo decided to ignore him completely, walking past the General. Hux watched him go, Kylo enjoying the stunned look that swept over his face briefly. Whatever they had now didn't mean he had to play nice. The thought made him smirk. 

    “Kylo,” Hux said, scurrying after him. After a moment he fell into step with him. 

   “Hux,” he acknowledged, fighting a smile.

    “I request you update me on the status of your latest mission,” Hux said. 

    “Here,” Kylo said, handing over his datapad. He had written it on his way back, putting the TIE on autopilot. “I actually found an interesting planet that has misaligned tectonic plates, which not only affects the biome of the planet itself, but has created a--”

    “Save it.” Hux handed him back his datapad. “I was thinking you could give me a detailed report elsewhere.”

    Kylo stopped walking and snapped his head to look at the General in disbelief. He spoke quietly, sarcastically. “Subtle.”

    “Subtleties were never my strong suite,” Hux replied with a sniff. He clasped his hands behind his back. “You know. Vim and vigor and all that.”

    Kylo rolled his eyes. “Why am I subjecting myself to this?”

    Before he could stop himself, Hux laughed. Several people in the hangar stopped what they were doing to stare in disbelief. Kylo walked away. Hux looked around himself, irritated. 

    “ _ WHAT!?” _

__ Everyone scurried back to work. 

    “No, really Hux,” Kylo was saying earnestly as they entered Hux’s personal quarters a few minutes later, “this planet could make a good hideout--”

    As soon as the door was shut, Hux grabbed Kylo by the collar and threw him up against the wall. Pinning his wrist above his head, Hux kissed Kylo passionately. Kylo, however, had other plans. Gently pushing back with the Force, just enough to push him off, Kylo reversed their position. Hux moaned. 

    “No fair…” 

     “Who said I have to be fair?” Kylo asked, searching his lover's face before kissing him, biting his lip. Hux gasped when he drew blood. 

    “Kylo!”

    Kylo grinned. “Come on--you've taken worse.” 

    Afterward, Kylo lounged on Hux’s bed. Hux had his pants on, standing at the full length mirror, looking over his neck. 

     “You know what's actually not fair?” Kylo asked, spreading himself out and nuzzling the pillow. “The fact that you have a more comfortable bed than me. Why is that?” 

     “Damn it,” Hux spat. 

    Kylo propped himself up on one arm. “What?”

    Hux turned around, pointing angrily at a large mark on his neck. “Really!? Are we teenagers again!?”

    Kylo smirked, falling back on the pillow. “Your collar will cover it.”

     Hux turned back to the mirror, examining his neck some more. After a moment he looked at Kylo through the mirror. “Now what's this about some planet with tectonic plates… Something or other?”

     Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Do you ever actually  _ listen  _ to the things I'm saying?”

    “No. Especially when I'm thinking about having your dick in my mouth.”

    Kylo’s eyes flew open. “Hux!”

    “What? Didn't we already cover how I'm not subtle?” Hux turned around, moving to his discarded shirt. “But seriously. Tell me about this planet you found.”

    “The plating is misaligned, which has also made its poles off-kilter. Because of this, the magnetic fields throughout the entire planet vary wildly--it makes good coverage for any sort of electronic signals. It scatters them, making them almost impossible to read.”

    Hux rose his eyebrows. “Good job.”

    Kylo sat up. “Well it's a lot better than you've done lately!”

    “Kylo. Relax. I was being serious.”

    “Oh.” He flushed. “I'm just…Not used to you paying me compliments.” 

    Hux walked over, sitting next to Kylo on the bed. “I have some news for you, too.”

    “Oh?”

    “Well…” Hux looked slightly apprehensive. “It's also a question.” 

    Suddenly, a bad feeling settled in the pit of Kylo’s stomach. “Yes?”

   “The First Order came up with a program. Well, I came up with a program.” The latter  wasn't said in a boastful manner, it was said nervously. “But in order for it to work I… Need your help.” 

    “Continue.”

    “Everything in this damn war always seems to happen by happenstance. It keeps happening where Force users get dragged into it, randomly, accidentally. Except… “

    “Except?”

    Hux got to his feet, suddenly excited. “Except when there was the Jedi Council and when they were training padawans.”

    The blood in Kylo’s veins turned to ice. Forcing his face to remain neutral, he said nothing. He knew where this was going, and the knot in his stomach grew. 

    “Why can't the First Order utilize the Force? Just like the light users did.”

    “That's an idea.”

    “Yes. The only problem is…” 

    Kylo said nothing. 

    “Unless you're Force-sensitive, there's no real way to find people with the Force. And the only Force user I know is…” Hux let his blue eyes fall to the side a moment, and then looked back at Kylo. “Well, you.”

    And there it was. Kylo swallowed, hoping Hux hadn't noticed. A very bad headache was starting to come on. “Why do you seem so nervous to ask me about this, Armitage?”

    “Well… When we have disagreements, they tend to become physical.” Hux looked to the side again, and when he spoke it was quieter. “It's difficult to know what's going to set you off.”

    Kylo got up, silently screaming. It was true he was outburst prone, but with years of practice he had also taught himself how to severe his emotions from his physical body. Internally Kylo was in utter hell, but outwardly there was no change, except maybe some sort of calm. 

    Wordlessly Kylo dressed himself. Once done, he felt he had composed himself enough to speak with a steady voice. “I think it's an excellent idea, Armitage.”

    Hux allowed himself a triumphant grin for a moment. 

    “If fact,” Kylo said, forcing his tongue to make the words. “I would like to start this new project as soon as possible.”

   The other man was thrilled. “I was hoping you'd say that!”

 

~

 

    Kylo propelled himself as quick as he could to the basin. Retching horribly, he wished for death. Every heave made his chest hurt, and he was seriously concerned he was going to re-injure himself. 

     Kylo had managed to stay calm long enough to devise a plan in detail with the General. Kylo would scout the immediate area, accompanied by the fleet for his protection. They would do this until they had scooped up every Force user they could find. And if none were in the immediate vicinity they would slowly broaden their efforts. Once that was done, Kylo would...Teach them… 

    It was the discussion of methodically brainwashing small children--of using the Force on their impressionable minds to shape it a certain way--that had sent Kylo over the edge. He knew this was more or less what they did with Stormtroopers, but this was different. This was worse. They were talking about taking a natural ability and twisting it, perverting it into something horrible. 

   Shortly thereafter, Kylo had quietly excused himself. He lied and said he had a headache. The reality was he just needed to get away to avoid puking all over Hux and his nice desk. 

    Whatever small amount of food he had in his stomach finally came up. Retching a few more times he finally collapsed in the fetal position on the ground. He was at a loss. He was at a complete and utter loss. 

    It was wrong on every level. Force sides  came naturally to the user--the person always had an inkling one way or the other. This was never set in stone, of course, but the leaning towards light or dark was always there. Kylo had tried to be good when he was a boy but the darkness always beckoned him. It was as though the Force had marked him even, giving him naturally dark features; no one in his entire family even  _ had _ black hair. 

    The thought of taking a young child who was clearly a light user and forcing them to the dark side…Taking a  _ natural trait  _ and changing that…Even Kylo Ren had his limits. 

_ Rey?  _ Kylo whimpered. 

    The response was immediate.  _ Ben? Are you alright? What's wrong?  _

_     I just threw up.  _

_     Are you sick?  _

_     No.  _ “I don't know if I can do this…” Kylo whispered. 

_ Do what?  _

_They want me… They expect me to…_ ”I'm going to be sick again.” When he was done, he slumped back onto the ground. _S-sorry…_

_     Don't apologize, I just hate hearing you like this. What's wrong? What can't you do?  _

__ Kylo didn't dare speak out loud.  _ I can't. I don't want to tell you. I just--I'm having trouble keeping up with the ruse.  _

_     Did something happen!?  _

_     Yes.  _

_     Do you need help? I could send someone to get you out of-- _

_     No. I just…  _ Talking to Rey was helping him calm down.  _ I need to make the Resistance aware of something. Something I'll be involved in. We need to set up a drop off point now. I'll be able to get away. Just let me know where I'm supposed to go.  _

_     Let me talk to General Leia and I'll let you know where and when.  _

__ Kylo closed his eyes. “Thank you… “

    A pause, and then,  _ Are you sure you're alright?  _

_     I'll be fine.  _

  1. _I'll let you know the information once I get it._



_     Rey?  _

_     Yes?  _

_     Thank you.  _

_     You're welcome.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

    The plan was carried out the following day. It had taken Kylo awhile to figure out how to use the Force to seek out and hone in on other Force users. Hux had gotten upset with him--it had taken all of Kylo’s might to not throw him into one of the control panels. Instead, he settled for, “If you think this is so easy, why don't you try?” When Hux hadn't moved, and the crew around them become uncomfortably silent, Kylo let it drop. “Oh wait, that's right; I'm the one with the Force, you can't.” 

    That night, Kylo had taken out his frustration with Hux in other ways; Hux wasn't happy with the scratches Kylo had left all over his back. 

    It was on the fourth day of trying Kylo finally picked something up. It caught him completely off guard. After days of nothing, feeling a new life force had startled him. It was so unexpected he wasn't able to catch his reaction before he had one. 

     “What?” Hux said, studying his face intently. 

     Kylo froze. It was rare that he didn't know what to do; unfortunately, this was one of those times. 

     “Sir,” one of the crew hands said. Hux turned to him. “The long range scanner has just picked up a planet.”

     Hux turned back to Kylo. His voice was quiet, brimming with excitement. “You felt something, didn't you? On that planet?”

     Kylo looked at him. He couldn't let this happen. There had to be something he could do--there  _ had _ to be--

     “No,” he said. 

     It was a bad lie and he knew it the second the word left his mouth. Hux looked at him, stunned. Kylo met the look; for a moment an expression skittered over the General's face, but it was the raw emotion that tore out of his body unintentionally that hit Kylo like a sack of sand. 

_ Hurt _ . 

    Hux’s expression became taught, clearly fighting an outburst. He began to stalk away. He stopped and turned, clasping his hands behind his back. “May I have a word with you?” He took a few steps and then turned back. “In private?” After a few more steps and Kylo didn't follow, he turned a final time. “ _ Now!? _ ”

    Internally Kylo was beginning to panic. Outwardly he turned, following the man that was nearly running off the bridge in barely contained anger. As Kylo strode past he saw two ship hands shrug at each other in confusion. Kylo ignored them both, leaving the bridge. 

     Hux led Kylo back to his personal quarters. Before the door had even slid shut Hux turned on him, face bright red. “You  _ lied  _ to me!”

    There it was again--genuine emotional pain. It made Kylo flinch. 

     “Hux--”

     “In all the years I have known you,” Hux spat angrily, pointing a finger Kylo. “You have never,  _ ever _ , outright  _ lied  _ to my face!”

    “Hux--”

     The General stalked over to his liquor cabinet, poured himself a drink, downed it in one gulp, and then poured himself another. It pained Kylo to see the other man was shaking uncontrollably. 

     “You have pulled a lot of shit over the past few years, but--how could you  _ lie  _ to me!? Especially because you're so  _ bad  _ at it!” He took a swig from his drink. 

    “Hux,” Kylo said, his mind whirling. Truthfully he was good at lying, if he was prepared for it. “I don't know what's down on that planet. I didn't want to get your hopes up only for us to go to the surface and find nothing.”

     For a moment Hux seemed to relax a little. Taking another drink Hux looked at his glass, refusing to look at Kylo. A fresh wave of pain hit Kylo. “You could have just told me that. I just can't believe you  _ lied  _ to me. After everything we've--”

     Hux cut himself off. Kylo, internally grateful for the opportunity to switch gears, sauntered across the room. He smirked. “After everything we've what--done recently? Hux, I seem to remember you telling me it's just sex.”

     The glare Hux threw at Kylo was so strong and wrought with emotion Kylo nearly stumbled. It was then Kylo realized the other man had actually developed  _ feelings  _ for him. 

    Kylo felt awful.

    “Armitage.” Kylo came around the desk, gently taking the glass from his hands and putting it down. He took the General by both shoulders, looking him squarely in the face. “I'm sorry.” 

    The General seemed to deflate. To Kylo’s surprise the other man leaned into his chest. Awkwardly, Kylo wrapped his arms around him, not knowing what else to do. 

    “Please don't ever lie to me again,” came Hux’s muffled voice. 

     Kylo squeezed him and closed his eyes. “I won't.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright Folks. We're near the end. Here we go. Don't hate us. Kudos pls. xoxo

Kylo sat in his room a few weeks later. He was situated on his black couch, legs crossed, hands resting comfortably on his knees. His eyes were closed and his breath was coming out calmly and evenly.

_ Rey _ ? 

    No response. 

_ Are you there?  _

_     HI!  _ Came the cheerful response.  _ Sorry, I wasn't sure if I actually felt you or not.  _

_     Do you have a moment to talk?  _

_     I always will make time for you. What do you need?  _

    Kylo’s brow knitted. “I've done something terrible… “

    A pause.  _ I'm sure we'll get through it. What happened?  _

_    We've been collecting children. Force sensitive ones.  _

_     I'm here with your mother--can I tell her this?  _

_     Of course.  _

__ There was a pause, and then,  _ I'll relay what you tell me as you speak. Go ahead.  _

_     They want me to change them when they're small, turn them to the dark side.  _ This came out with a whimper.  _ I tried to lie the first couple of times, but Hux started getting extremely agitated. So now I'm actually doing it. I feel terrible--we're amassing a dark side army to use against any opposition the First Order has in the universe.  _

_     Hold on,  _ came the gentle response,  _ your mother is speaking.  _

_     I can't do this,  _ Kylo continued, a tear trickling down his face, ignoring her request to stop.  _ These children are so young, Rey. They're so scared. They just want to go home. The older ones fight me, and a couple of them are powerful--I've had to physically restrain them. I just--I don't know how long I can do this-- _

_     Ben-- _

_     There's so much pain here. I haven't been able to sleep for days now-- _

_     Ben-- _

_     There's this wall of pain, and confusion, and fear emitting from their holding cell. This ship is big but I can't get away from it. I don't know how much more I can take-- _

_     BEN!  _

__ Kylo was fully crying now.  _ What?  _

_     Your mother has an idea. Ben, this isn't hopeless. We'll make it a priority to save the children. Before it's too late.  _

__ Kylo admittedly hadn't thought of that. 

    “Kylo?”

    Kylo’s eyes snapped open, immediately severing the contact with Rey. To his utter shock Hux stood before him. Genuine worry was on his face. Without being asked, Hux sat down next to him. 

    Kylo looked at him. “What are you doing here?”

    “When you didn't show up on the bridge I went looking for you. I was at your door just now for about five minutes pressing the entry button. I finally gave up and put in my code to open the door.”

    Sometimes Kylo hated having the Force. It wasn't often, but occasionally he caught glimpses inside people's heads without meaning to. He saw that Hux was considering taking his hand, but was much too embarrassed to. He also saw how worried he was. 

    “Are you alright?” came the tentative question. 

    Kylo, now feeling embarrassed himself, wiped the tears from his face. “I was just meditating.”

    “Isn't meditation supposed to… Ground people? Not make them cry?” 

    “Depends on what they're meditating over.” Kylo looked around himself, trying to knock the cobwebs from his brain and trying to ignore the incessant crying he could hear from the children that were now on board . “What time is it? Sorry, I totally lost track…”

    Hux patted his knee briefly and then stood. “It's fine. Just come to the bridge once you've collected yourself.”

    Once the door shut, Kylo sighed.  _ Sorry, I was unexpectedly interrupted.  _

_     It's fine, I figured. Ben--your mother wants to know if the ships logs would help? Maybe we can figure out some sort of pattern or something.  _

_     What do you mean?  _

_     Who knows--maybe the Force follows a sort of map. Maybe we can follow the trend and get to children before the First Order does. I mean, the Force picking people could be completely randomized, but that's the thing--we don't know.  _

__ Kylo stood, walking to his washroom and splashing some water on his face. He looked himself over in the small square mirror, dark eyes tracing over the large scar. It still seemed foreign to him that his face would hold this scar for the rest of his life. Taking a black towel then he dried his face quickly. There--it looked less like he had been crying. Now he just looked tired. 

_ I can do that once I get the chance. Let me know where I should drop off the paper once I complete it. I should be able to drop it off without incident.  _

  1. _We'll be in touch._



_     Alright. Thank you Rey.  _

_     Ben?  _

__ Kylo stopped in front of his door before leaving. 

_ You're still good. They're making you do this horrible thing; it's not  _ you.  _ Your hands are tied.  _

__ Then why did he feel so guilty? 

 

~

 

    A few days had passed. They had come across two more children. The holding cell was starting to get crowded. Kylo made it a point to keep them all together. He couldn't separate them into different holding cells, he just couldn't. Logistically it would have made sense to spread them out; the holding area of the ship had more individual cells than its single large one. 

    But Kylo couldn't bare the thought of ripping them apart from each other. They had already lost their families, lost their homes. Some of them were already becoming despondent, resigning themselves to the fact they were never going to see their own planet again. Kylo understood how important human contact was. He had pinpointed forged bonds between some of the children, and had caught a few of them holding each other for comfort on more than one occasion. 

    Kylo Ren-- _ actual  _ Kylo Ren, not this imposter pretending to be him--would have torn them apart in an instant. He knew severing human contact would have broken their spirit even more, making it easier for them to turn to the dark side. He only hoped General Hux would never come to that realization on his own, because then he would  _ have  _ to separate them. 

    Kylo briefly drummed his fingers. Unfortunately, Hux coming to that conclusion was inevitable. It was a basic tactic in psychological warfare. A good way to break someone was to place them in solitary confinement. Add that to the fact these were  _ children;  _ emotionally immature, lacking mental fortitude, well…If Hux had already thought of it (which, with his military training, Kylo was sure he had), he had remained silent. It was a small miracle Kylo was extremely grateful for. 

    Kylo sat, writing on some parchment. He had stolen it from Hux along with a pen. As he looked between his datapad and the paper, he idly thought about asking Hux  why he was so enamored with such archaic things. The fact he had a book collection--and an extensive one at that--seemed so unlike him. Kylo never really thought about the General liking  _ anything,  _ or having any sort of aesthetic tastes. In fact, he had always imagined his room completely bare, save a mattress on the floor and a wardrobe for his uniforms. 

_ He likes you,  _ Kylo thought to himself. Biting his lip, he put down the pen on his new table (identical to the one he had destroyed) and rubbed his face. 

    Yes, there was that. As much as he hated to admit it, Kylo had also developed actual feelings for Armitage. He realized how  _ stupid  _ this entire situation was. He knew it was only a matter of time before everything blew up in his face--possibly literally. A new guilt had surfaced within him these past few days; it wasn't just the children. It was Hux. 

    He knew with one-hundred percent certainty that the man would never change. Once, after having sex to relieve a particularly frustrating day they both had, Hux had fallen asleep immediately. Kylo decided to gently pry his mind (feeling guilty for doing so immediately afterwards).

    He learned that Hux had been born and raised on ships, not a planet. Kylo was startled at the harsh turmoil and raw pain Hux felt from his past. He had heard rumors of Hux’s past--an abusive father, of being an illegitimate child--and pulled back from those memories immediately. He always assumed they were just rumors, spun from the overactive imaginations of bored, jealous Imperial officers. Those memories could wait for another day when Kylo would  _ ask _ Hux about them, not steal them. 

    What he did find was that Armitage Hux’s actions were not only what he truly believed were right and good for the universe, but it was also literally the only thing he knew. It was with this realization that Kylo had stopped prying, curling up next to Armitage and forcing himself to not think or feel anything for awhile. 

    Kylo picked up the pen, copying down the ship’s log word for word. His hand cramped horribly, unused to holding such a tiny thing. But it was the only way. Kylo reading over the logs wouldn't raise suspicion whatsoever. Copying them might, ergo he needed the stupid pen and paper. 

    As he wrote, his mind wandered. 

    What had happened? Why was he good now? Months ago, when his mother had asked him on that first day in Cloud City, he couldn't tell her. On and off since then he had tried to figure out the answer to that question. However, as he heard one of the children sobbing from far away, it finally dawned on him. 

    He didn't want to suffer anymore. This led him to wishing that everything in the universe could find balance so no one would ever have to feel lost, alone, angry, worried, and afraid like he did on a daily basis.  _ He  _ had done things that would scar people for life. He had killed people, their loved ones left in emotional turmoil and with gaping voids in their lives that could never be replaced.  _ He  _ had been the cause of other people's suffering, the same type he wanted to be free from. Kylo realized everything he had done had always been out of selfish spite; every action was trying to get back at his family, to make them suffer for abandoning him (his parents) and turning on him (uncle Luke). While perhaps maybe his mother cared too deeply about others, he hadn't cared enough. 

    And he realized, finally, what a fool he had been as Kylo Ren. 

    “What are you doing?”

    Kylo’s head shot up. He had been so lost in figuring out why he was good now and copying down notes that he hadn't heard the door open. He paled immediately and froze, eyes wide. 

    Hux sauntered over to him, a smirk on his face. Kylo immediately snatched up the papers and held them to his chest. He didn't know what else to do as Hux walked over, stepped over the table, and straddled him. 

    “What's this?” Hux asked playfully, grabbing at the crumpled papers. “Writing me a love letter?”

    “Armitage, no, don't--”

    “Come on, Kylo. Show me what you've written.”

    “It's--it's nothing.”

    The other man's demeanor changed. He was suspicious. “Kylo--what is it? Show me.”

    “Armitage, I said it was nothing!”

    Hux pulled on the paper and it ripped. “What are you hiding from me--” 

    Kylo froze with a sharp intake of air. He watched as Hux glanced at the paper, his face falling. Hux looked at Kylo then, a mixture of confusion, hurt, and betrayal. “Kyl--”

    Kylo threw the man clear across the room with the Force, pinning him against the wall. When Hux tried to speak Kylo raised his hand, silencing him. Kylo walked over as Hux viewed him with eyes burning in loathing and contempt. 

    “You will go to the first transport ship you come across,” Kylo told him, his voice cracking. Manipulating him with the Force was so easy to do, and he hated it. “You will go in it and wait there until I arrive.”

    Hux’s face went blank. “I will go to the first transport ship I see, go in it, and wait for you to arrive.”

    “You will talk to no one.”

    “I will talk to no one.”

    “Good.” Kylo gently put Hux on the floor. The man went to the door, doing as he was told, and left. 

_ Rey.  _

_     Ben--what's wrong? You sound-- _

_     I've blown my cover. I need you to pick me up in the Millennium Falcon, without Chewie and without my mother.  _


	10. 10.

This entire thing was stupid. Ben had panicked, he knew he had. But he couldn't let Hux go. It would have been easier to just wipe the man's mind and flee, but that wouldn't have solved much. His absence would be noticed by everyone and he wasn't about to go through the entire ship, erasing everyone's mind and removing any and all logs he had written or that mentioned him. That would have taken weeks--possibly months. Then there was the fact a lot of those logs were intermingled with other logs on other ships;what was he going to do, go to every ship and outpost the First Order had in the entire universe and erase himself completely? It just wasn't feasible. 

    There had, of course, been another option… 

_ I can't outright kill him.  _

__ Guiltily, Ben glanced over his shoulder. Hux still sat where he had been left, elbows on his knees, chin in his hands, glaring at an invisible spot on the wall. 

__ When Ben had released him from his hold (he had been keeping him more or less catatonic until they were far, far away from the  _ Finalizer)  _ Hux had immediately tried to kill him. Ben easily stopped him. 

    “I don't want to hurt you Armitage,” Ben had told him seriously, holding the man back with the Force. “I will if you leave me no choice though.”

    Hux had screamed at him, a loud, wordless, drawn out bellow filled with betrayal and pain that hurt Ben's heart as much as it did his ears. 

    They were going to Prakith, a planet Rey felt wouldn't bring risk for either of them. Unfortunately, it was a long way from where the  _ Finalizer  _ had been positioned. Ben had agreed to the location before he understood what a critical error that had been. 

    As Ben piloted into his second day without sleep because he didn't trust that Hux wouldn't try to kill him, a loud beeping sliced through his fog-filled head. He looked down, panic immediately gripping him. He technically didn't have to look; he knew what that specific alarm meant. 

    “ _ Shit! _ ” 

    Hux, momentarily forgetting the situation, got up and went by his side. “What? What was that? What--”

    Ben pointed at one of the many readouts the transport had. “We're about to run out of fuel.”

    Hux paled. “ _ What!?” _

__ Ben quickly flipped on the scanners, both regular and long-range. “We have to find a planet or a moon to land on, otherwise we're going to be floating in the middle of nowhere very soon.”

    “Where are we?”

    “Mid-rim.”

    “Well, at least there are a lot of planets here--”

    “That would love to shoot a First Order transport out of the sky!”

    “Don't yell at me! This all was your  _ stupid idea-- _ ”

    “Just go sit down and shut up! I have to concentrate and figure out where the nearest planet is!”

    “Don't tell me to shut up!”

    Even so, Hux crossed his arms and sat down. 

    After a few minutes, Ben spoke. “The closest planet is Velmor--it's going to be a close call, but I think we'll be able to get there in time.”

    Hux glared at the man's back. “And then what?”

     “I don't know, okay!? I don't know.”

    They did make it to the planet, barely. They had run out of fuel just as they were entering the planet’s atmosphere. The planets gravity grabbed ahold and didn't let go. They were going to crash-land. 

    Ben did the best he could to land the ship safely. Even so the landing was hard, coming down in the middle of a forest. He managed to stay awake long enough to make sure the ship hadn't totally broken apart. Once it skid to a stop, finally, he lost consciousness. 

    Ben came to, coughing. Loud beeping happened all around him. The cockpit was filled with thick black smoke and in his peripheral vision he could see the orange flicker of flames. 

    He lifted his head. Vision swimming, his scalp stung. Touching it he winced. He moved his hand down his face to find half of it covered in thick blood. He had a nasty gash on his scalp, but he'd live. 

    Unbuckling himself he got up. It was difficult, the ship being at a pretty severe angle. 

    “Armitage!?”

    Something snapped, sparks flying. Ben flinched, moving away. 

    “Armitage!?”

    Ben finally found him, sprawled against the wall which was now basically the floor. He didn't appear to be in the best of shape. Ben dragged the man to the door, coughing, barely able to see with all the smoke. When the door refused to open Ben tore it off with the Force and chucked it far away. Getting out first since the ramp wouldn't extend (it would have been useless anyway), Ben took Hux into his arms and carried him far away from the ship incase it exploded. 

    Reaching what he believed to be an acceptable distance, Ben set him down. He felt him with the Force--he was badly injured, but his pulse and heart were strong and steady, his brain rattled but otherwise uninjured. His hair was slick with blood from a cut he couldn't find, and he had various lacerations on his face. Ben sighed, collapsing next to him and rubbed his face. It was night, and he could see the burning transport through the trees. 

_ Rey.  _

_     Yes Ben? I'm almost to-- _

_     Change in plans. I've crash-landed on Velmor.  _

_     Are you alright!?  _

_     A bit banged up but I'll live.  _

_     Ben, I'm nowhere near there. It'll take me awhile to get there.  _

_     I know, sorry. There's one more thing.  _

_     What?  _

_     I have Armitage with me. _

_     Armitage? Who-- _

_     General Hux.  _

_     What!? Is he-- _

_     I'll explain later. Just come get me.  _

_     I'll get there as soon as I can.  _

__ Ben severed the contact. 

    Hux remained unconscious. Ben checked on him periodically, making sure he was OK otherwise. Not knowing what else to do once the sun rose, Ben busied himself with cleaning off his gloves, face and hair, finding a stream not that far away. Ben had a gash on his upper arm; he tore off part of his sleeve, using the cloth to wipe some of the blood from Hux’s face. 

    Ben had created a small fire once the sun set. He sat on one side, Hux on the other. Ben swayed where he sat, struggling to stay away. When Hux finally came to, he promptly turned on his side and threw up noisily.  As he sat up slowly, Ben spoke.

    “You've been unconscious for a day. You probably have a concussion. Try to take it easy.”

    The man glared venom, pressing his palm to his forehead. “What do you care?”

    Ben’s mouth fell into a frown. “I do. In fact, you should have some water, you're probably dehydrated--”

    “Shut up Kylo. You're making my head hurt more.” 

    Wordlessly, Ben chucked the full canteen of water he had grabbed from the ship to Hux. The General let it fall, not reaching for it out of stubbornness. 

    “You know what!?” Ben snapped. “Fine, die from dehydration! See if I care!”

    After a long time, Hux spoke again. “Now what?”

    “Rey is going to collect me shortly.”

    Hux let out a long, sad sigh. When he spoke it was quiet, and he looked into the fire. “So it is true then. You've really turned?”

    Ben fought back tears. “Yes.”

    The other man looked at him, not even bothering to hide the pain from his face. “But  _ why  _ Kylo? I don't understand. Make me understand--please.”

    Ben looked directly in his eyes. “Do you know what my name is?”

    “You clearly hit your head too--it's Kylo Ren.”

    “My  _ actual name.” _

__ The General blinked. “Well… I’m going to assume your first name is Kylo, but your last name must be different…I mean, there are the Knights of Ren, so maybe that's just a title--”

    “ _ Ben Solo.” _

__ General Hux slammed his mouth shut, looking beyond shocked. After a few moments he blinked profusely. “Ben Solo!? But he--he died. Everyone knows he died when you went in with your Knights and killed everyone--”

    Ben was shaking his head. “ _ I  _ didn't die that night. I  _ became  _ Kylo Ren that night. My parents just told everyone I had died because it was easier.” Ben glared to the side for a moment. He felt a brief flicker of empathy from the other man. Ben looked back across the fire. “Why do you think I wore that helmet? Once you know, don't I look like him? The same crooked nose, the same eyes--my mouth is even similar, just my lips are bigger.”

   Understanding and realization washed over the General's features. After a moment he drew up his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He then  rested his chin on his knees. Twilight was coming, and in the distance the faint sound of an approaching ship could be heard. 

    “Armitage--”

    “Don't call me that.”

    Ben closed his eyes a moment.“Armitage.” He opened them, but Armitage refused to look at him, instead staring intently into the fire. “I never meant to hurt you. I care about you.”

    Armitage laughed bitterly. 

   “Don't laugh--I do. This entire thing was stupid. I never should have kissed you.”

    When Armitage finally looked at him, Ben was crushed to see tears in his eyes being stubbornly held back. “Yes, you should have. Because even though this got really screwed up, I don't regret the time we had together.”

    The  _ Millennium Falcon  _ was approaching, a wind starting to pick up from the incoming ship. Ben swallowed hard. “If we meet again--”

    “I'm going to have to try and kill you.”

    Behind them the ship landed, blowing out their fire. Twilight was quickly giving way to the dawn. Letting a few tears fall, Ben nodded. “I know. I'm going to have to try and kill you too. And I'm sorry.”

    The hiss of the ship's door opening rang out. Ben swallowed again, briefly grinding his teeth. “Once we leave you should go back to the ship and get the remote for the emergency beacon transponder. I've been periodically checking on the ship--it's no longer burning, just smoldering.”

    Wordlessly, Hux reached into the breast pocket of his uniform. Ben could feel Rey behind him, hesitating, waiting at the top of the ramp. From his pocket Hux removed the remote for the emergency beacon.    

    Ben's mouth dropped open--he noticed the button hadn't been pressed yet. A glimmer of hope flickered within Ben. “Where did you--”

    “I've actually been awake awhile. When I came to you weren't around. I waited for you and tried to make my head stop pounding… When you never came back I figured you were off wanking or something.”

    Ben pursed his lips and shot him a very unamused look. “I was getting food rations and water from the ship, and then I was gathering firewood,  _ ass _ .”

    “Whatever. That's why I threw up though. I had gone to the ship and took this. My head didn't like me walking around so I was nauseated.”

    Ben wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I see you haven't pressed it yet…”

    Armitage swallowed thickly and pressed the button. This small action hit Ben like a blaster shot. It was done. First Order officer General Armitage Hux had picked his side, and Ben Solo had picked his. 

    “Not yet, anyway. I needed to know what happened before I did. I needed to know if you had actually betrayed me.”

    Wiping off fresh tears, Ben got to his feet. “I have to go now then. I'm sorry.”

    Armitage stared at where the fire had been. “Yeah, well. Me too.”

    As Ben turned towards the  _ Millennium Falcon,  _ Hux started. “Ben!”

    The fact that he called him his actual name seemed… Surreal. Ben knew it would always haunt his dreams. He turned back, looking down at Hux. 

    The General seemed barely able to contain his grief, his voice shaking as he spoke. “I know it's silly…And sentimental… And not like me…” He looked up, clear blue eyes rimmed in red. “Could I keep one of your gloves? Just--just to have something physical of yours to hold onto?”

    Without hesitation Ben removed both gloves and proffered them to the other man.

    “I said one--”

    “I can get another pair.”

    Hesitantly Hux took them, his fingers brushing against Ben’s. They allowed their hands to linger there for a moment. With  that, Ben turned away and went to Rey. The pair stood at the top of the ramp. Ben looked at Hux and held his gaze until the ramp closed. Moments later, the ship took off. 

    General Armitage Hux squinted as the blow-back got dirt in his eyes. He watched the ship for as long as he could see it, then for some time at the spot where it had disappeared into the early morning's sky. 

    Finally, Armitage put his forehead against his arms and wept, clutching the gloves of Kylo Ren. 

 

_ The End. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's a wrap guys. We hope you liked it. I know my friend tried to keep it as in character as possible, which means, they couldn't be together. At least, not as Ben Solo. Anyway, we'd love to hear from you. Please send us kudos and comments. I know she worked really hard on this. Thank you again for reading.


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